tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25793695104008338092024-02-07T21:38:47.328-06:00Annie, I thinkmy life in so many wordsAndreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.comBlogger724125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-27959655586459244602019-05-01T09:31:00.000-05:002019-05-01T14:06:49.651-05:00ALS sucks<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s ALS Awareness Month.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here is some awareness.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ben is 40 years old and he cannot walk, bathe, or dress
himself. More often than not one of us has to feed him at night. He is losing
his voice and one day it will be replaced with an electronic version of
himself. Just in the past week, the doctors have ordered a voice computer for
when he can’t talk, a lift for when he can’t stand, and a feeding tube for when
he can’t eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s fallen twice in the past week and had
to get 12 stitches in his forehead thanks to his weakened muscles. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have had more conversations start with Bub saying “I
remember Dad before” because, of the two of them, he has the harder time
reconciling this version of his dad with the one from when he was little. And
still LG will occasionally make a drawing or tell me a story of what it would
be like if her dad wasn’t sick anymore. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s hard 90% of the time, so much so that the 10% that
seems okay feels like a lie. And it will continue to get worse until one
day the worst thing will happen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is ALS. And ALS sucks. </div>
Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-77856563028380462822019-04-26T11:54:00.001-05:002019-04-26T11:54:04.640-05:00In case of an emergencyWednesday we went to ALS Clinic where we see all the medical professionals who manage BT's symptoms and get him all the stuff he needs. It's a long morning, not to mention that we have to now travel out of town which necessitates an overnight stay. It's a bit to manage but, once again, my parents are invaluable for caring for the kids. We usually come back exhausted from clinic. And because BT is tired he has a hard doing much of anything. So I was in the bedroom just chilling and he decided to get an ice cream from the freezer and, in standing up, lost his balance and fell over. Now he falls a bit. Not as much as he used to but it is not uncommon sadly. He is stubborn and the loss of independent and of always asking for help does not sit well with him. And he knew I was tired. And the kids were off somewhere else. And he fell. But this time he hit the wall just right and cut his forehead open. I rolled him from his stomach and just screamed because he was covered in blood and there was a puddle of blood on the floor. So I called 911 and they came and took him to the hospital where he got 4 internal stitches and 8 external stitches and now has quite a black eye to boot.<br />
<br />
So yeah. I don't even know anymore. He can't do anything for himself anymore. I feel bad for him. It's a lot. It's so much to lose.<br />
<br />
And I am tired. Just so tired of everything.<br />
<br />
But I am good in a crisis. I know that much for sure now. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-77942702320962340772019-04-16T14:49:00.000-05:002019-04-16T14:49:22.433-05:00A welcome respiteIt's Spring Break and my kids and husband have gone to his parent's house for the week. I only asked for the kids to go since they haven't been to their grandparents' house since last summer. But BT decided to go along too. It's hard to say if he'll get to go back. His mobility is severely limited at this point and he'll need a lift soon for bathing and dressing. He can barely stand at this point, can only walk a few steps holding onto a bar. He has trouble feeding himself and his swallowing and breathing have been deeply effected. So things are not going well. I have to bathe him and dress him and more and more feed him. He needs a daily caregiver since I have to work and I am trying to get him one. But as for now he is home alone a lot and it is worrisome. So it's good that he went to his parent's. I think the change of scenery and the opportunity to go to their house was a good one to seize.<br />
<br />
Personally it is a good moment for me as well. Caregiving takes a toll on me. It's weird because I don't devote all my time to him as it is. I still do my workouts and runs and take that time. But when I am home there's always something to do for someone. I realized that the first night they were gone. Not having to cook supper for the family and clean it up and clean up after other people. Not having to feed someone or watch them struggle to feed themselves. Not having to bathe or dress or put someone else to bed or the constant constant need for me provide assistance and get things. The realization that this will never go away as long as BT is alive. It will only get worse and more and more. So time like this is necessary for me. It also makes me realize more what things have become now. What kind of life we live now. I'll be honest. It sucks. It sucks so much. I saw a thing on Twitter about the privilege being a caregiver and I just don't feel that way. And that makes me feel bad. Like I should be better about it. A better person. It's not that I don't try my best and do what needs to be done. It's just that I am overwhelmed easily by caring for all three of them especially given that one of them was suppose to be my helpmate and help care for our children and now he needs the most care of them all. But they will still manage to stack up on me because they are still children and still need their mother.<br />
<br />
So it's a welcome respite for me right now. But a double edge sword all the same. I'm just trying to enjoy it though and take it in one day at at time which is how I try to live my life anyway. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-55728560752250148312019-01-15T14:06:00.001-06:002019-01-15T14:06:29.776-06:00Word of the yearSome years I pick a word to define my years and some years I let the year pick the word. In 2016, the word became <a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2017/01/grateful-and-thankful.html">Grateful </a>after Ben's diagnosis. In 2017, I choose <a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2017/01/bravery.html">Bravery </a>and made it the Year of Being Brave. I learned how to swim, relearned how to ride a bike and started doing triathlon. It was a successful year in terms of fitness and trying new things. But then I let 2018 go and the word became Survival. And that is not good. It was not a good year personally, in terms of goals and BT's illness, and with my whole life in general. Every day I was just glad to have made it through the day. I threw a 40th birthday party and got no joy out of it. We went to Disney World and was miserable the whole time. My depression and anxiety took over everything and I didn't realize it until the year was ending. Several of the support systems I relied on quit for various reason unrelated to me but it turns out that was very bad for me mentally. Another support system experienced a major life change and that caused a few issues as well. No blame is involved and things just happen but it also made for a very bad year. BT also had a rapid downslide in his symptoms <br />
<br />
One day talking to my best friend, I remarked that 2019 was also looking to be a very bad year. I realized later I was already writing off the entire year before it even started. So I sat down and wrote down 10 things I wanted to see or achieve in 2019. Mediating and being more mindful was at the top of the list. I've been using the Calm app on and off for a couple of years. So I've dedicated this year to doing at least 10 minutes of mediation every day. I find that mediation helps manage my anxiety and depression very well. There are also guided mindful runs on another app I use. I want to bring being more mindful into as many aspects of my life as I can.<br />
<br />
I also recommitted to fitness because that was one of things that started to fall apart for me. I want to work on making sure all my relationships are healthy for me. I want to manage my relationship to Ben's ALS better. He is not doing well anymore and there is more and more for me, it feels like. We have to find a daily caregiver for him now. And that is another new and unwelcome change. I want to try 3 new things this year. So I am trying to fix the blahness that resulted last year. I don't want to go out too hard though and burn out at the beginning of the year like so many people do. It's a marathon, not a sprint, after all.Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-91504734099521623022018-08-13T10:00:00.000-05:002018-08-13T10:00:01.477-05:00TriathlonSo a month ago I wrote about my <a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2018/07/never-not-training.html">training </a>plans. Since then two things have happened. The first is that I got really sick with something. I don't know what. But I had zero energy and resting didn't help and was incapable of doing most things. I did get check out by my doctor and everything came back good and I am really healthy just in general. So it was probably just stress and a virus. But I lost almost a week on working out. It happened on a Saturday. And by Thursday I thought enough is enough and started feeling better. I did a walk and yoga and was tired after. The next day I did a short 20 minute swim and almost didn't make it through the day. So it was a bit of a climb back to do what I usually do. In the midst of that I was talking to my therapist and he asked if I was looking forward to anything. And I said no. But I had been wondering about doing the sprint in October I've been planning on most of the year. When I was sick, I realized I didn't want to. I am tired. I'd already decided no more long distance races for the next year so I don't have anything planned after the sprint. I was already planning on a more relaxed year after that. So instead I'll start that early. After the super sprint I have on Saturday I am going to take a break. I want to work on continuing all the sports but in a less urgent way. Maybe 3 runs, 1 swim, 1 bike a week. I want to add on more strength training and gain some muscles. Being stronger would help so much with the cardio sports. So weights and strength training is what I'm looking at for the rest of the year. And next year my A race will be the October sprint and I'll plan on less races for the year to avoid burnout. I need to find the fun again in all of this. I am constantly stressed my life and my husband's condition that I need to find more fun and the fun I had with my workouts. This seems like a good place to start. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-41861752901455498012018-08-10T11:34:00.001-05:002018-08-10T11:34:21.386-05:00Morning timeAs I was waking everyone up this morning, it dawned on me how different my morning routine is. It was get up, children to bus, work. Fairly simple. But this school year has some changes thanks to my son graduating to middle school, my huband's continued degeneration, and my daughter's bus schedule being messed up.<br />
<br />
The original plan for this year started fairly simple. They both have a bus stop in the same location. Because they go to the arts academies for their grades, the bus does not pass by my house. Rather I have to take them to a satellite location. And the fact that that location is the same for them should make it easy. However, Bub's bus doesn't come until close to 8:00. I have to be at work at 7:30. So yeah. Finally I decided to put him in morning care. It's fairly inexpensive for the morning program at his school. So I had planned to drop her at the bus, take him to school, get to work fairly on time. But then her bus situation got messed up thanks to the driver quitting days before the start of school. So then <b>her </b>bus wasn't coming until close to 8:00. The end result is that she ended up in morning care as well. The expense of both these programs is not great but it's the best solution otherwise.<br />
<br />
So now I get up (still working on finding early morning time to run/exercise, for now that is being done in the evenings), and wake up Bub and get him in the shower, wake up LG and put her clothes out so she can change and then start getting ready myself. They either can have breakfast at home or at school, their choice. I get ready myself. Before we leave, I wake up BT who has taken to sleeping in the recliner so he can sleep more upright and also it is easier for him to get in and out of (we are working on a hospital bed for him to aid in this). I help BT out of the chair and we go. Then I drop off Bub at school, drive to LG's school and sign her in and then I go to work. It's a lot. I don't know if it sounds like a lot but it's a lot. It's a lot of driving and getting everyone where they need to go and helping them all out while still trying to get my own stuff together and make to work. But it's the best way and honestly has been less stressful. There are, of course, even less stressful ways to manage. I could pull them and make them go to our home schools and then they would be bused to and from the house. That is not an option for me. I love the arts academies and they are getting a great education and learning an in-depth art form at the same time. And I believe wholeheartedly in that. So this is what we are doing and I'm trying to make it work as best I can. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-77890057454282228762018-08-07T09:00:00.000-05:002018-08-07T09:00:17.397-05:0010 yearsI was looking at some old posts and I realized that today is the anniversary of this blog and that it has been 10 years since I started this blog. It's been named different things and I've been on and off with it for those 10 years but I keep coming back. I didn't write or do much of anything for a year after BT's diagnosis but then I was honestly in the middle of a breakdown. I've found writing down some of this stuff lately has been cathartic even if no one is reading this anymore. I'm fine with that. I just like saying stuff "outloud," writing down my thoughts. Still I think it is really neat that I've managed to save something for a decade.Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-62044811918573036662018-08-06T13:18:00.000-05:002018-08-06T13:18:54.529-05:00Baaaack to schoolThe kids start school this week and as usual I am of two minds. School usually ramps up the responsibility at my house but it's, you know, school so it's important. School is a lot for me thought. As the mom I shouldn't admit that? But it's true. The burden of transportation, school functions, and everything that goes into school is down to me especially now as the only driving adult in the family. My children goes to arts schools so there are no buses that run near my house. I love the arts elementary so much so it's worth it but it is a pain. And now my oldest is headed off to middle school which is scary for me but he seems chill about it so far. It was a nice couple of years having them in the same place. Certainly that made it easier. Now 2 different schools, buses and schedules. It'll work out especially now that I have figured out exactly how to get my son to school without being overly late for work. His school starts later so his bus comes later, thankfully to the same location as hers. But he isn't zoned for that bus stop so all of that had to be worked out. He'll go to the before school program run by the YMCA and then take the bus in the afternoon and then they will both get dropped off in the same place. It's not the cheapest plans but it's worth it. And they will have time for their evening sports.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am amazed that she is going into first grade and he is going into sixth and the fact that he is going to middle school is like wow. It's crazy to me that we've already gotten to this point. I am worried about middle school. It's a rough time and a rough age and middle schoolers are not necessarily the nicest. I think he will be fine but he can be sensitive so I guess we'll see. It's also just more. More homework, more classes, and a different routine with changing rooms multiple times a day which won't be a bad thing. He can move around more during the day and he'll have to go outside to change rooms so that actually is a good thing. I also realized that this will be the first time he has to dress out for P.E. His middle school is a great school and the arts program is amazing. He got in with piano and that is the art that he will focus on. I am so happy with the <a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2013/08/fortune-favors-brave.html">decision </a>to put him in the arts academy and grateful that this school district offers the option and that LG could go to that school too. I'm curious what her art will be. I'd say drama or dance based on her personality. Drama seems to be the better fit.<br />
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But now it's time for homework and parent/teacher meetings among other
things. And I handle all of that but I also feel bad because BT misses
out on so much. Most of the time it is easier for me to just get the
kids from school or from the bus and then go to any open house meetings
or to just go to school for lunch or any school activities. Their
schools are really close to my work and it's just easier. But I feel bad
because I probably should go get him more. It's a rough balance between
trying not to miss too much work and trying to include him. There is
the factor that things make him very tired and it can be hard to
negotiate any crowded venues with his chair. So far we've managed to
work it out but I think we both feel bad about him missing out on too
much. It's just one of those unfortunate things and will work out how
they work out. <br />
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<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-50786105211121069892018-07-11T09:30:00.000-05:002018-07-11T09:30:15.222-05:00And the kidsOnce BT was initially diagnosed the question of what to tell the kids was immediate. Obviously something had to be said since BT would no longer be working and they would definitely notice that. There was a month gap between the first and second opinion where everyone just kept hoping that it was going to be something else and BT was still working. In that gap I consulted our pediatrician who has cared for Bub since he was a newborn. It's one of the few times I've ever seen a doctor visibly upset. I asked him what was appropriate to say. He recommended a simple explanation but not to include the fact that it is terminal. Bub was 9 and LG was 4 at the time. We told them that Dad was sick now, he wasn't going to get better, and that he wasn't going to work anymore. Their reactions were very accepting. LG went around telling everyone that her dad was sick and wouldn't get any better. Bub was sad and asked more questions. It was a different way of processing fairly appropriate to their ages. As time has gone on, Bub has begun to ask more questions about BT's condition. LG has been more accepting. They both have been big helps to their dad although still expect a lot more out of me somehow. It's been also a sad thing knowing what's to come but there is a lady we know who grew up with a father with ALS and she talks more positively about her experience so I feel like the time BT spends with his kids will be hopefully result in something similar.<br />
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One day recently Bub asked me about how long we would live. I talked about the average life span of my grandparents and guessed 30-40 more years for me all things considered, hoping that he would drop the subject of his dad. He did not and I answered with Well it depends on how his ALS progresses and then he asked if the ALS could kill his dad. I never want to lie to my kids but there is information I don't volunteer unless they ask. So I answered yes but that it all depends on how quickly things go. There is no time limit. These are the moments that I get, that no one else gets and they are sad moments. He took this pretty well and he has been processing, I believe, fairly well. And has been very good to his dad this summer. I hope that this summer and the summers to come where he is home with BT are good, positive memories and that they have quite a few more. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-82795276009970652222018-07-10T11:11:00.000-05:002018-07-10T11:11:29.557-05:00A bit about caregivingThere's a lot of (unnecessary) guilt around my house. The thing about this kind of illness is that it robs so much from everyone. Someone who was once very independent now needs help with the simplest of tasks like opening a can or toweling off and dressing after a shower. It's a lot of adjustment losing abilities. But also an adjustment for me picking up more care for him. Before it was a lot of joint care for the kids. Now it's that plus what he use to do for them and all the new stuff that he can't do anymore. Right now at least he is doing some of the other stuff like reading with LG and still doing some of the easier cooking though he is teaching me how to cook some stuff. But that's another thing. BT's ability to cook is diminishing and so I have to take on more of that. It's just more and more. I have a good support system in that my parents live by and are willing to help out. Among the many things that they do, my dad drives BT to his infusion treatments that take place once a month and does yard work. My mom gets the kids after school and takes them to their various sports activities. So that is extremely helpful and eases my responsibilities. They have been a tremendous help and there is literally no way to repay them.<br />
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I'd like to say that I've been the picture of grace about all of this. I have not. I have tried my best, my very best. But it's been a hard road of acceptance that continues on. Every time there is a down slide it gets rough. I wish I could be like the other caregivers I read on the internet, the ones who say that they accept it, that their spouses are their reason for being, that they love being a caregiver even if it is stressful. I don't know if it's words for the internet because no one likes admitting the ungracious side of themselves or if it's true. It is not for me. Maybe if we were older or our kids were grown or if we had managed to do more of the things we wanted to do together but this is not what I wanted, not how I saw things going. And that's obviously true for both of us. The difference is that I saw the future I had envisioned go away in an instance. BT mourns the past and all the things that he never got to do. I mourn the future and how I can't plan for it anymore and how he won't be in it or if he is how different he will be. In 20 years will I be alone or still caring for BT? The truth is the future is hard to predict but before I felt like I could say "Oh when we retire we can do XYZ." I don't feel like that it is true anymore. I try to find something for myself and ideas for my own future. I tend to focus now on the immediate future. What game I want to play, what race I want to do, what vacation we can take next year. I like to have a plan and now that I can't have anything long term I like to at least focus on the short term. <br />
<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-49109163420392253382018-07-09T08:30:00.000-05:002018-07-09T08:30:13.171-05:00The quest for automation One of the ways we’ve begun working on to make life easier for my husband is automating the house or at least making it voice controlled. BT’s fine motor control has been one of the first things to go. He has trouble with small objects or anything that requires finite motion. His weakness currently lies in his hands, arms, and legs. So at first we got a Google Home so he could use it for an alarm and to control the thermostat. Recently we added a door bell with a camera so he can see who is at the door and lights that can be controlled with voice commands. It’s a smallish things that help make things easier for him. There’s a few more lights and plugs that we will automate to help around the house. I realize that this is not always possible for a lot of disabled folks. Being disabled is expensive and it is very hard in many ways but instead of birthday presents we get smart lights at my house apparently. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-58555869074760317642018-07-07T09:00:00.000-05:002018-07-07T09:00:03.731-05:00Never not training So 2 years ago I took up running with Couch to 5k and I’ve done quite a few races; 5ks, 10ks, half marathons as well as 3 super sprint triathlons. I have 1 more of the latter next month and then a sprint tri in October and then I am done for the year. It’ll be weird to be done with the race season so early but I made the decision in March that I was done with long distance running for a while. My last 2 half marathons were torturous at best and I realized I preferred mid distance so 10ks mainly. So I may try to pick up one of those. Anyway. My training this year has felt fairly relaxed. I went hard for so long but I gave myself a break for the most part this year. I’ll have to pick it back up for the sprint since that is going to be longer and my first open water swim. I will admit that there is also something lacking in my training. It’s like the challenge has gone out. I’m not motivated to push for longer distance though I have resolved to do a full marathon at least once after my 42nd birthday. So I bought myself 2 years on that. So what do I strive for? I wish I knew the answer. I do know that I refuse to give up. I never want the day to come where someone says “Do you remember the time you were a runner?” I want it to be “Do you remember when you started running and never looked back?”<br />
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I do work hard at being injury free. I’ve found that not running back to back days helps. That the swimming and cycling help. One of the things that has been good is adding strength training but that is one of the areas that I need the most guidance and help. So I guess there is a challenge.<br />
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All this training is interesting in a way. I leaned into it hard as a coping mechanism for my husband’s illness. And not to say that I don’t anymore but that I don’t need it quite like that anymore. I escaped into it but now it’s less of an escape and more of a routine. And I am very attached to my routines. That has become more coping strategy these days though not necessarily a good one since flexibility is becoming more important as time moves on. But exercise and time to maintain a healthy body is necessary for a healthy mindset.<br />
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(And if anyone is interested, my instagram is primarily sports related if you want to follow along.)Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-36500309553276967462018-07-06T21:08:00.001-05:002018-07-06T21:10:39.277-05:00Where to begin (again)I started to make a whole new blog dedicated to being a caregiver but the truth is part of me is afraid of placing too much identity into being BT’s caregiver. Truthfully I look for ways to maintain my own individual identity. Yes I am a wife and yes I am a mother and those belong to me but also as me being a part of another. One of the things that has become clearer to me is the need to have my own identity because one day I’ll be on my own. I decided in the end to start writing here again since this is my personal life blog so there will probably be posts about what is like to care for someone with a progressive degenerative disease. But also about coping and sports and the things I do.<br />
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The truth is that life is hard for everyone. I believe in the universal struggle for most people, to be happy, to be loved, to find fulfillment. So I never believe that we are alone or that the thing we face is unique. But it is difficult and a bit unusual.</div>
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So since October 2016 when my husband at 38 years old, was diagnosed with ALS, he has gone from being a runner to being mostly wheelchair bound in the short time of his diagnosis. I’m not a doctor but this is an alarming rate to me. And in the meantime I’ve picked up so much of the slack but more than that I’ve gained another person to care for beyond our 2 children. My experiences as a caregiver are not unique but as we are well below the average age for an ALS diagnosis it’s been hard for me to find someone relatable.</div>
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Writing about it seems cathartic if I’m being honest though the details may seem uninteresting maybe to most. It’s been hard and continues to get harder. I don’t look to the future much anymore. My motto is Run the mile you are in. I try my best to follow that.</div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;" />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-18731801833019748812017-08-17T12:13:00.001-05:002017-08-17T12:13:40.564-05:00Do or do not. There is no try. So I have a second super sprint triathlon this coming weekend. If you don't know what that is, triathlons come in different lengths and a super sprint is the shortest they come. So this one is a 200 meter swim, 8 mile bike, 2 mile run. I've been training for it, probably more than completely necessary but really mostly for the fitness level. I could probably do a sprint pretty easily at this point (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 3.11 mile run) but I think I'm going to hold off on that length until next year. Something to strive for and give me a reason to get back to triathlon next year. I'm thinking next year and maybe the year after for sprints and then if I'm still up for it I can go for an Olympic.<br />
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When I first started running I did the Couch to 5k thing so the first race I ran was, naturally, a 5k. After that I decided to work my way up the ladder, so to speak. So I got a 10k plan and worked through that and then a 15k plan and worked through that. And what ended up happening was I ran a lot of 2 mile runs. I got a really good at running 2 miles without stopping and honestly I think having that base has helped me in so many ways. Because I know 100% that 2 miles is that not that far. And the 3 miles is just one more beyond that. And I break down a 10k and half marathon the same way. So I'm approaching triathlon in a similar way. I can do a super sprint fairly easily and once I'm good at that then I can move up my distances but with having a decent base to start, it makes it easier for my mind set.<br />
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Once this tri is over, then my triathlon season for the year is over. I had initially planned on doing a sprint in October but the timing is wrong and I'd like to have a bigger goal for next year anyway. I'm going back to running as my main sport but with at least one bike and one swim a week for cross training and conditioning. Now my goal is to train for speed and endurance for a 10k, the longest race I plan on having for the rest of the year. I'd like to run the 10k without stopping and run it faster than I have been able to go lately. So we'll see. I'm going to pick out a plan and get started on that as soon as this triathlon is over. I'm anxious for some reason to get started on that and get running more. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-31501221748408550702017-03-23T16:32:00.000-05:002017-03-23T16:32:18.470-05:00The art of giving up (and then not)I have a few people tell me lately that I'm an inspiration. I don't especially feel like an inspiration. I'm just doing what I do. Most of the time lately I just feel tired. Mentally I have a lot going on and I'm on a break with most things right now trying to figure myself out. It can be a lot and I'll complain sometimes about the ALS and what it's doing but I try not to. People tell me I have every right but I don't think I do. It's not happening directly to me though I do have a one-on-one relationship with it. I likened it to when you are driving and you see an storm coming up and you just know that you are about to get slammed. I can see the storm. I can't avoid it. I just don't know how far away it is or how fast I am going towards it. And, yes, it is directly happening to my husband but once we really get in the thick of it, so much will be up to me. Just how the morning routine will change alone is enough for me to know how much will be up to me. I'm not good with change. I tend to be slow to accept it. I try to make the same as it always was but that's not healthy. That's not how life works.<br />
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So I'm on autopilot a lot. This is how the morning goes, this is how the day goes, the evening, etc and very often lately I'm not reacting well to any changes in those routines. I'm making it harder than it needs to be but I just keep wishing everything was the same. And it's not and never will be.<br />
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I did a second half marathon a few weeks ago. I beat my first time by 5 minutes and felt really good about the whole race. My goal one day is to do a half without any walking. I did 12:1 ratios and then mini stops at the water stations. Next time I'm going to try just stopping at the water stations and see how that goes. I have a thankfully shorter 10k in April that I'm racing for Team Gleason and then no real race plans for a while. I know of a few in the fall I want to do but no distances decided yet. Well except there is a run-paddle duathlon that I desperately want to do. Anyway, I took a week off of running because I was trying to avoid burnout and did other workouts instead. I got a new bike that I love but I hadn't had time for and then there was swimming. I also thought it would be fun to do a spin class. And that fucked me up. I'm not sure what happened but when I tried to go out on Sunday that run turned painful about half way through the 3 miles. I finished it out but it was rough and now I'm scared. Tuesday I started to have a mini nervous breakdown about life frankly. It was pretty bad. And one of the things I keep saying is that I'm just going to give it all up. Forget running or triathlons or swimming or any of that. I won't do it anymore. I just wanted to quit. So much for being someone's inspiration. But I stayed home on Wednesday for a mental health day and somewhere in the morning decided to take my bike out. When I got home, I told BT that I really like exercising. I like the accomplishment and how I feel and I look. And he rolled his eyes and said he already knew that and that he wasn't surprised. I'm still scared to run. I'm planning on trying with a 2 mile when I get home. I haven't been to swim all week but I'll go tomorrow. But I did ride my bike a few times this week and keep it fairly easy actually. I skipped all strength training and have been just laid back. I pile things on things and sometimes I have to just stop. I'm pretty sure Ferris Bueller says it best. I have to readjust how I feel about things and about how I take them in. And though I feel selfish, I have to do things for me. That's how life works.<br />
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<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-91122364926641031172017-02-03T11:14:00.001-06:002017-02-03T11:15:43.579-06:00SelfishI can't stop getting sick it seems. I honestly can't remember the last time this happened but January came at me hard and it's continued into February. As I'm typing this I feel so horrible. I had a viral infection that turned into a sinus infection and then I got better. Or so I thought. Because I'm back down with a monster cold and I've pretty much stopped any hard core cardio. The internet tells me I can run with a cold but my body says no, don't do it. And frankly since I'm not an elite athlete, I think I can take the time off. I'm probably going to skip my long run on Sunday which makes me feel super guilty but I have got to get well. I'm a little worried about the half marathon I have in March but I'll manage and probably only train up to 11 miles but it's fine. I have so many other responsibilities beyond running that I need to be well for those things over anything else.<br />
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Somewhere I decided that this was going to be year of bravery, a year of learning and trying new things. I think I hold myself back and I don't want that anymore. A lesson that has come from my husband's terminal illness is that I don't want either of us to die saying "I should have." I want us to have lived our best life. And some of that is together and some of that is apart. I have a bucket list of things I want to do with him. I want to look back and say we made the most of our time together. I want to have no regrets that I didn't try to maximize our time together. I told a few people the other week that I feel sorry for anyone who has to say at his funeral that they wish they had come visited more or that they wished they had done X,Y, or Z. Because the opportunity is here and now and there is no reason to not take advantage. I won't be one of those people. I know that 100%.<br />
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But beyond my husband is me. I feel like this need to try new things is my way of maximizing the time I have where I don't have to be his caregiver all of the time. One day I know things will be harder. He will need more care and time. The things he does now like cooking dinner every night he won't be able to do anymore. So in a way I'm taking advantage of the stage he is in now to fulfill my own personal bucket list. Swimming was a start and I'm so happy I started that even if it is part of the reason I am sick now. I've added kayaking and spinning and baking to my list. There may be a run-kayak duathlon at the end of the year I'd like to do. I'm taking a spin class next week and one day I'd like to sign up for a cake decorating class. It seems this year's mantra is Why not? All the excuses have gone away. Here and now because the future is so unpredictable.<br />
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But this newfound bravery does leave me with the feeling of being selfish. A part of me feels like I should dedicate all my time to my family and to my husband. I'm mean he's sick, like really sick and I don't know how long I'll have him like he is now or just how long I'll have him. Am I really maximizing our time when I go off to swim for a couple of hours a week? Shouldn't I be with him watching the kids and making sure everyone is okay? Everything I've read on caregiving says that the caregiver has to take care of themselves first. Because it is a hard thing to do and also very easy to get lost in the process and I don't want that. But I don't want to be negligent either. Running is easier in a way. I can just lace up and go run outside. I don't have to do races or anything that would pull too much time though I'd like to continue and I don't think it will be a problem. Anything I have to drive to seems like I'm asking a lot. I don't know why. But there has to be a balance somewhere, right? I wonder how other spouses or caregivers handle these types of things. BT doesn't mind me going. He understands my reasons why. It's all an internal struggle that makes me feel like choosing myself is somehow not choosing him or them. And that's not the case at all. I just don't want to come to the end of my life and say "I wish I had." I want to say "I'm glad I did."Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-20458477595829242792017-01-31T11:50:00.001-06:002017-01-31T11:51:19.238-06:00Just keep swimmingSo I went to <a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2017/01/bravery.html">swim </a>class. I've been twice at this point now. The first time, last Wednesday, I was super nervous but I drove over there anyway. The pool they are using in the winter is pretty far from my house. The coach is extremely nice and I think if I set a goal she will get me there. So far she's taught me how to breath plus the rhythm of swimming and the correct form. I think I'm going to like it. Swimming feels nice and it's fun learning something new. Although as I'm crawling along last night trying to piece it all together, I thought man, if my (former) swimmer brother-in-law and triathlete sister-in-law could see me, they would just laugh. After practice yesterday I had a little conversation with a few of the other ladies and one asked how I liked it. I told her swimming is hard but I think I'm going to like it. Another one replied that Coach is good and she'll push you to your goals which is exactly what I need although I don't really have a goal right now with swimming. Mostly I just want to learn something new. Mostly I want to do a low impact cross training. And I want to be fit and in shape. But you never know one day I may have a swimming goal. Never say never anymore.<br />
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I have had this thought for a while. When I started all of this, my son has just turned 9 and my daughter was about to be 4. Now in his lifetime he's seen me exercise on and off but never with the dedication I've shown in the past year. I was never a runner, never a swimmer. I did 30 minutes 3 times a week of workout videos and that was it. And there was nothing wrong with that. But it didn't bring much satisfaction and it didn't last long. But this is different somehow. Somehow the running flipped a switch I didn't know I had and the results of that make me keep going back. It's nice in a way that my daughter won't remember the old me. When she grows up she'll just remember that her mom ran in races, that her mom is an athlete and she won't know that I wasn't for a very long time. But honestly I don't do these things for anyone else. I'm not trying to be an example or teach them any kind of lesson. I think the minute I tried I would fail. Because this is for me. It has to be. I need something that is just mine, especially now with everything that is going on. But if the end result is that my kids see me doing something new, being brave and learning. If my daughter thinks I've always been athletic. If they feel inspired to do the same. Then I count that as a good by-product of all of this. I know I am an example whether I intend to be or not. I'm happy that I'm a good example just not to them but to myself.<br />
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<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-60826767009444185282017-01-23T09:12:00.000-06:002017-01-31T11:50:56.908-06:00BraveryAt the end of every year a friend of mine asks on Facebook what your word for the year is going to be? In the past I've chosen words at the beginning of the year only to find at the end of the year there is a theme but maybe not based on the word I've chosen. I don't know what I would have chosen in January 2016 but I think the word I walked away with in December was "<a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2017/01/grateful-and-thankful.html">grateful</a>." Because I learned the hard way about taking things for granted and for not appreciating the simple motion of life.<br />
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So do I pick a word for 2017? I don't have any real goals or resolutions. The health goal that everyone inevitably picks is pretty much taken care of for me. I run 3 or 4 times a week and do cross training exercises at least 3 days. We eat healthy and have significantly cut out processed foods. We could cut down on electronics but I'm not worried about that. I think I learned last year that you can't predict what can happen in a year and I'm not comfortable making a long-term goal. Sure there's a race I'd like to do at the end of the year and a vacation to go on this summer but mentally I'm not going to deal with those things until I need to. I think because I don't know how BT will be in a month, much less 6 months, I don't feel like I can go too far into the future. I'm very much in a "here and now" state of mind. Do what needs to be done now.<br />
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That being said, I would like to learn new things this year. Last year I hurt my foot and spent 3 weeks not being able to run. I did other work outs, usually taking BT's trail bike out or doing workouts from the Nike Training Club app. I like cycling but I hate that trail bike. It's heavy and not fitted for me. I wanted to buy myself a proper bike with Christmas money but I needed new running shoes and then a new phone so that was the majority of the money I got. So the dream of a new bike is on hold for now. Anyway, one of the things that I wanted to do when I couldn't run was take swim lessons. I can swim in the sense that I had 5 years of swim lessons as a kid and can keep myself afloat and alive. But I'm not a good swimmer or a strong swimmer and I'd like to learn how. I looked into it at the time but BT was still working and it was about the time things started to fall apart so I never went. But now I want to. Swimming is excellent cross training for runners. It's low impact and would, I think, help me with the last 25 pounds I want to lose. Yes, I know #strongnotskinny and the scale doesn't matter blah blah blah. But still I have extra weight that needs to go and swimming is excellent for achieving a leaner body.<br />
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The problem is all mental. I am painfully shy and introverted. I hate new situations and doing new things in front of people who know what they are doing. I am very afraid of embarrassing myself. I know the truth is that no one cares. That everyone started somewhere. My first 5k took me 38:36 with a pace of 12'23" and now my personal best is 33:37 with a pace of 10'49". Still "slow" but I'm getting stronger and faster and honestly my only goal is to run a 10 minute miles someday. You improve as you go. That's how these things work. So I know intellectually that my fears are unfounded. I'm not going to be judged on not being good at something that I am admittedly not good at. That's why I need lessons and why I want to learn. I was thinking the other day that I will be 39 in a few months and how do I want to spend my last year in my 30's? I want to learn new things. I want to try new things. I can't take anything for granted anymore so I want to do it all. I want to help BT live his best life now and live mine too. We have a finite amount of time together and I want us to enjoy as many moments as we can.<br />
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So Bravery is the word I would pick. It's going to be a year of hard things. Hell, it's going to be a life of really hard things from here on out. And I want to brave for all that is to come. And it's a tiny thing in the face of an overwhelming illness like ALS but I want to take a step forward and do something new just for me just right now.<br />
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<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-85250632142982063802017-01-11T12:06:00.000-06:002017-01-11T12:11:56.206-06:00Grateful and thankful <i>Now this is a story all about how<br />
My life got flipped-turned upside down</i><br />
<br />
No, I think that sets the wrong tone. But really this is the story of how I learned to be grateful, why I am feeling particularly blessed, and how I figured out that even in the face of tragedy, especially in the face of personal tragedy, you can find a special kind of happiness.<br />
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It's a longer story of how he ended up there but the short version is that summer 2016 BT ended up a neurologist who sent him for extensive MRIs for a series of symptoms he had been presenting: uncontrollable muscle twitchings (fasciculations), balance issues, progressive muscle weakness. If you google these things together, ALS is one of the worst case scenario diseases that come up. But it's never the worst case scenario which is what I told him when he would bring it up. Parkinson's, maybe MS but ALS is terminal and it's never the worst case scenario anyway. But it was. Because of course it was. I didn't go to the doctor with him to hear the results. But when he called me to tell me I assure you, I did not comprehend everything he was saying. One of my friends knew that the results were coming in that day because I had been jumpy all afternoon and he happened to call right when I got off the phone with BT. I remember just sobbing into the phone and him telling me to get it together because I could not do that in front of the kids and I said "This moment, right here, this is when I get to fall apart. Because when I walk into that house I know I cannot do this. But I can right now. This is my moment to do this." And I did. I will forever to be grateful that I had someone who calmly listened to me fall apart and talk me through one of the worst moments of my life. But then I lost it completely when I told my mom in the garage. The simple act of telling people this kind of news becomes easy but it also chips away at you. I don't know how much I've lost of myself in relaying the news over and over.<br />
<br />
He was sent to Baylor for a second opinion. In between, we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary bringing our total number of years together to 18 thus far. Between the two appointments I was working the reference desk and a student came to ask me for help. Noticing my wedding ring he asked how long I had been married.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Me: It's funny you ask. It will be 12 years next week.<br />
Student: Wow, 12 years that is so long. You never hear that anymore.<br />
Me: Yes, 18 years all in all.<br />
Student: That is so amazing.<br />
Me; Yes, I have been very blessed.</blockquote>
Something in that conversation was a revelation to me. I had spent the better part of the two weeks since the initial diagnosis crying and bemoaning the circumstances but this brought home the fact that I had been very lucky. I don't believe in soulmates but I would say that BT was made for me. We're just a match. And it hasn't always been easy and we haven't always gotten along but I think we were just meant to be together. And to be maudlin, if we only have 20 years together, then there is no better way I would spend those 20 years.<br />
<br />
So the diagnosis was confirmed thus ending everyone's hope that it was maybe something else. He couldn't go to work anymore and had to learn how to stay home which was not easy for the hard worker that he is. There was more falling, more muscle weakness, physical therapy, and foot brace. It felt like something new and something worse everyday. I had a moment when I thought maybe he was at a plateau and maybe it wouldn't get any worse and we could deal with this and then something happened, a fall or his left leg started to feel weaker or something and I knew I could not believe in a miracle. That it would crush me and I'd never recover if I believed and that miracle never came. Acceptance is not resignation though. I just know that I have to do what needs to be done and I want to make sure he lives his best life. And the miracle will come whether I believe or not. Because that's what makes them miracles. But I know for a fact that I am extremely lucky and so very blessed. And what gets weighed down in everyday life and gets taken for grant is so crystal clear to me right now. I could write a million words on how horrible this is and why everything sucks and why why why. On the future that has been lost and replaced with the likelihood and terribleness of being a young widow with two kids. I don't look into the future so much anymore. I couldn't even begin to plan it and it doesn't look like I want it to so I try to stay right where I am. To do what needs to be done now. To enjoy every moment. To be grateful and thankful for everything I have. That is the best place to be right now. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-86597482713777172362016-09-20T11:55:00.000-05:002016-09-20T11:55:15.330-05:00On Tuesdays we (use to) runApparently when I can't run I blog about not running.<br />
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I'm back on a running hiatus of sorts. A few weeks ago, I hurt my foot (plantar fasciitis) after achieving a 5 mile run. I really only had 4 miles in me but I pushed through and was super proud of myself but that extra mile cost me 3 weeks of running so it probably wasn't worth it. I tried, like most runners, to just push through the pain but it was a no go and a trip to the doctor got me 3-4 weeks of low impact workouts. Ugh but I still got by with doing some cross training workouts with my Nike Training Club app and bike riding. The problem with bike riding is I only have my husband's trail bike and it is just not the one. I'm trying to work with what I have for now and get a new bike for Christmas. That's the plan. And then I jacked up my hip somehow and that was fun and now my shoulder. I think I slept on that wrong. My point is that the left side of my body is falling apart. I miss running though. We ran a 5k race on Saturday that we had signed up for before injuries occurred and that was fun. I ended up run/walking it because Bub came too and he complained to walk often enough. Probably was better that way because though my foot is better starting back with a straight 3 mile run would have maybe been a bit much. I coulda ran it though.<br />
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Anyway, I'm itching to get back to the running. Even though I'm still doing some workouts it doesn't feel like enough and I miss the high cardio of running and the feeling you get after. I miss the movement, the zen of running. I have a high marathon I want to train for at the end of the year. So right now I'm looking at other smaller races that I can do to help along with that goal. There's a 5 mile in October and a 7k in November and then the half in December. And as long as I can get back to running next week I should be good to go for all. I just have to listen to my body when it only has 4 and I've scheduled longer. That's what got me here in the first place. Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-14682566847780209072016-06-29T08:40:00.000-05:002016-06-29T08:40:31.840-05:00A week without runningI got a new tattoo on my ankle on Friday last week. I'm very excited about it. It hurt like hell. You always forget how much is actually hurts but the pain goes away fairly quickly so I can live through 45 minutes. It is beautiful and I'm very happy with it.<br />
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Wait let me backtrack since I haven't written here in a while. About a <a href="http://annieithink.blogspot.com/2015/07/good-habits.html">year </a>ago I wrote that I had started working out again. I didn't go into much detail and I haven't because I've been afraid that if I started writing about it then I would stop and I'd be a failure all over again. But for the most part I've stuck with it over this year. The last six months of 2015 I mostly stuck to my same old routine, indoor video workouts and that was fine. I lost a little weight and was feeling healthy and better about my body. But Christmas came and the same thing that always happens happened. I stopped. For about 6 weeks, I didn't do much of anything. I think I had gotten bored with the same old. But about mid-January I thought <i>alright, let's do this again </i>and after much discussion decided to do the Couch to 5K program. There were some logistics to work out but I started with just walking outside. I like to work up to things. I did that for a few weeks until I started to get antsy to start running and then I thought <i>What the hell</i> and started the program. I was trying to wait out until I was back from vacation but when it's time, it's time. Truth is it was brutal at first. But my husband was a cross country track star in high school and he gave me some pointers and I figured out my breathing was all wrong and had a lot to do with why I hated running so much. So I stuck with it and finished it which is really one of the prouder moments of my life. We did a "fun run" around my birthday and that really was fun and we are planning on a few more 5ks. Because, oh yeah, my running inspired my husband to get back to it! The amount of time we spend talking about running in my house is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure most people would be bored by our conversations. I digress. So the point is that I'm a runner now. I'm working my way up to a half marathon but am now running an 8k training program to move onto a 10k program to move on to a 13.1 program.<br />
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Back to the tattoo. Super excited, showing it off to family and friends and, as I'm talking to one of them and he mentions going to the gym, it dawns on me. I can't run with this while it's healing. Fuck. Not only that I can't do much of any outdoor activities or things that will make me sweat. Fuck fuck. Why it didn't occur to me before I'll never know. I knew no swimming. It's why I waited until after a trip to the beach to get it. But no bike riding. Part of running training is cross training, swimming/biking/etc. So all my cross training in the outdoors for what a Google search told me was at least 5 to 7 days was a no go. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm not going to mess up something permanently inked into my body in
pursuit of something that honestly can hold off for a bit. I thought okay well I'll spend the week hitting my weaker areas like yoga and Pilates and do some exercise videos. But other than Sunday when I actually did Pilates I haven't been doing a good job. Somehow I can get up before dawn to run but can't make myself get up for yoga. Is a week off going to kill me? No. I feel lazy but other than that I'll be fine. Part of me worries that I'll never go back. But that part is stupid and should shut up. I really love running. I'm not the best but I'm getting better. I have a goal and a plan and I don't want to give it up. So I won't. Maybe a week without running will make me stronger. I guess we'll see the next time I get to lace up. <br />
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<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-42632453532310584812015-12-20T11:16:00.000-06:002015-12-20T11:16:27.762-06:00Four gifts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is the year I decided to try the four gifts thing I've seen on Pinterest. I thought it would be a good way to organize their presents from us and also provide some structure. I'm hoping this is an idea that will stick around. And since I'm in
charge of most of the gifting around here, it probably will. Santa is
bringing them each 3 presents, 1 big and 2 small, and a gift for the
family. So it should be a successful Christmas. <br />
When I first ran the idea past BT, he seemed suspicious. His family is fairly intense about Christmas. As long as it doesn't include Santa presents then he was fine with it. The Something They Want, Wear and Read was easy. I had them circle the toy catalogs when they came in for Santa presents and picked something out for the Want. Clothes, they always need especially as they both had growth spurts recently. And, of course, I have the Read covered (Bub is getting the illustrated Harry Potter and I am super excited about it). It was the Need that stumped me. After all, if they need something I usually just buy it. I did an internet search for ideas and didn't really find many. Bub has ended up with a soccer goal and Button with shoes. Both things they need in different ways and I'm hoping having his own goals will inspire him to practice more.<br />
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I should start making a list of Needs all year round so I 'll have ideas for next year. It was after I finished the list that I thought that rain boots would have been a cute idea for the two of them and maybe rain coats. Oh well. There's always the Easter bunny. <br />
<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-78278111000286120172015-11-13T07:57:00.001-06:002015-11-13T07:57:13.697-06:00Pants on FireSo I didn't follow through at all on the BEDN. Oh well. I didn't really try. That's okay. I'm trying out the motto "It is what it is." It seems applicable to so many things these days. The truth is I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety these days including having some panic attacks. This is a new thing for me. I've always been a worrier but never had such physical symptoms. Don't worry. I'm going to see a doctor next week. It could be related to the tinnitus I've been experiencing for the same amount of time or the tinnitus could be a result of the anxiety. I don't know. I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure out what the triggers are. Feelings of losing something seem to play a part in all of it. Lose of job and income or losing friends have become an general worry for me despite the fact that there is almost no need to worry about any of it. Whatever happens happens and all those <span class="_Tgc">clichés. So those are some of the things I didn't want to </span>talk about before. I'm not one to open up about these types of things. It's not in my nature but it's nice to admit them in the open even to the 3 people that may or may not read this. It sucks in a way to need constant reassurance from others that they love me or need me or whatever. It feels needy. But I think everyone wants to hear it sometimes and sometimes you need it more than others. I told my friend, who is going through a rough time, the other day that she was awesome. She said that she hasn't been lately but I'm awesome for saying it. And I replied "<span class="_5yl5"><span>We all have things. You just have one right now." It seems I'm having a thing right now too. But everything is going to be okay. I firmly believe that. </span></span>Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-61594453874521981872015-11-04T16:40:00.003-06:002015-11-04T16:40:48.264-06:00Something somethingNot doing too well on this BEDN, am I? I can't seem to find the motivation for much these days. I did start working on my 2016 calendar so that's a good creative outlet. Tomorrow I'll try for a real post. Maybe I can mine something I've done in the past for ideas.<br />
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<br />Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2579369510400833809.post-75332548216985197672015-11-02T11:30:00.001-06:002015-11-02T11:30:23.632-06:00BEDNI had thought I would blog everyday in November. I don't do NaNoWriMo but I can blog. But I missed yesterday so oops. I don't really have a topic for today but as I said last week I'd like to pick up a few things I've been missing lately. We had a lot of rainy weather this weekend continuing into today and that always makes me feel blah. It's incredibly quiet around my office and I think I need some noise or something. <br />
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We had a fun Halloween. On Friday, in what is becoming an annual thing, we hung out at the across-the-street neighbor's house with her, her daughters, grandchildren and a few of the other neighbors going trick-or-treating and then hanging outside. It was a good time. Then it started raining on Saturday and hasn't stopped. Bub was suppose to have a soccer tournament but it got pushed back. It was a quiet weekend and I watched 4 movies on Sunday which is almost unheard of but it was very relaxing. I think I needed a relaxing day and torrents of rain will do that. I'm looking forward to some sunshine whenever that comes around again.Andreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01299610611688148134noreply@blogger.com0