Regrets

I wrote a post for today on The Tooth Fairy. But they are burying BT's grandmother today and it seems weird to post on something so banal when it is a big day for his family. I wish we could have gone. I really wish BT could have gone. It would have bought him some closure.

I had a picture printed of our family that I was going to send to Noni. I had a card. I procrastinated and then finally decided to wait until Bub's school pictures were in so I could send one of those too. His pictures came in yesterday and suddenly I was at a loss and got upset. What was I suppose to do now? I had this stuff for her and now she is gone. And she didn't know that I had stuff I was going to mail her. Like it would have made a difference. Grief is a weird thing. It comes out of nowhere and over these trivial things. So I don't know. I don't know. I do know one day it will be warm memories and funny stories that will always have a mixture of sadness and joy.  It's just a whole lot of regrets and should-haves and could-haves right now.

Sadness

BT's paternal grandmother, his Noni, died on Button's first birthday, oddly enough while looking at pictures of my children. It was a shock to everyone, I think. If it had been my own grandmother I would have been less surprised but she is 92 and I think the inevitable is closing in on her. But Noni. I wasn't expecting that and when he told me I couldn't actually couldn't process what he was saying. I still, to be honest, have a hard time thinking that she is gone.

I lived far away from my own grandparents. My parents are both from Oklahoma but moved to Louisiana after they got married so my dad could work in the oil field. We went to visit every summer for two weeks but it's not the same as living close by. And there are 12 grandchild on each side. So I was just one of many. And that is not to say that my grandparents didn't love me or do things for/with me. It is just a fact. But BT and his family lived down the road, practically next door to his father's parents. He and his brother developed a close relationship with them, the kind of relationship I lacked with my own, the kind if I am being entirely honest I envy. Noni often referred to BT and his brother as her "special boys." They are the oldest by about 6 years and so they had her all to themselves for a long time.

I meet her about a year or so after I started dating BT. I guess I knew her about 13 years or so. She was a kind and sweet lady and very funny. I love grown men and their mothers. I love grown men and their grandmothers. When Noni was around the dynamic shifted and my father-in-law had less ground to grumble on then he usually did. When we went to church she didn't take communion and I am not Catholic so we often sat together while everyone else went ahead. Noni was very easy to talk to and we had some good conversations. She wasn't my grandmother by blood but she never treated me like an add-on. She treated me like she did the rest of her grandchildren. I was always grateful for that.

There are a million things I wish. I wish we hadn't been such lazy grandchildren and called her more or mailed her more cards. I wish we could have made it to Boston at least once to see her, to show her Button and for her to really get to see Bub. I am sad that she is gone. I am sad that Button's birthday will always be tinged with sorrow. I am sad for her family, for her children and her grandchildren and that so many of her great-grandchildren won't get to know her. She was a wonderful lady and she will be sorely missed.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." - Lemony Snicket

Grief

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the loss of my uncle.  I thought I post some of my favorite quotes about grief today.  There are so many that touch me and express the thing that I have a hard time putting into words.  I still miss my uncle a lot and three years later I am still a little teary over him.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)  

"Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky think, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid) 

"Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people."
— Orson Scott Card 

"And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken."
— Tiffanie DeBartolo 

"It's like when someone dies, the initial stages of grief seem to be the worst. But in some ways, it's sadder as time goes by and you consider how much they've missed in your life. In the world."
— Emily Giffin (Something Borrowed)

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A sickly moment of dark surprise

The other day was my uncle's birthday, the one who died from cancer in 2007.  He would have been 61.  I still miss him as does my family.  It's hard sometimes.  Sometimes I am still surprised by how much I miss him.  I've had other family members die, grandparents, other aunt, a cousin, but I don't miss them the way I do him.  I guess because I didn't see them often.  But I saw my uncle almost every week.  His is the first death that effected my everyday life.  I try to think of the things that we used to talk about or the stories he would tell.  I wish he could see how Bub is growing up and I think they would like each other.  I don't know.  I just feel sad about it still.  He was a good man and it was a shame he had to go when he did.   We all still miss him and love him and I hope he knows that.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
— Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)

A Tribute...

So yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my favorite uncle's death.  It's hard to believe that it's been two years.  My uncle was married to my aunt (my father's sister) for 25 years, but he was my dad's best friend for almost 50 years.  I know that my dad still feels the loss of his friend as to the rest of us.  I still miss a lot and sometimes I find myself thinking about something I want to say to him or show him and then I remember.

My uncle died of pancreatic cancer on Thanksgiving two years ago.  He waited until we were all together as a family which was really just like him.  He had been sick for almost 6 months when he died, but he had been a wheelchair for a very long time.  A motorcycle accident left him paralyzed from the waist down and he had a lot of health problems as a result so it might have been a relief to him, I don't know.  I don't say that meanly but when you've been as sick as he was, I imagine the loss of that pain to be a relief.

By Thanksgiving he wasn't lucid and was actually in a coma at the time.  But a few days before we visited him (he was at home) and talked for a little while.  He loved my little boy who loved him back and I know my uncle loved seeing him (the boy wasn't a year yet) so he got to hold him a little.  And as we were leaving he said told me to take care of that boy and I said I always would and then we said our I love yous and that was the last conversation I ever had with him.  But I keep it in my heart as I keep my uncle in my heart.