Pregnant pause

Sunday night I dreamed I was pregnant and overdue and I was on the phone with the doctor trying to convince him to let me have the baby now. It was an oddly specific dream and I remember seeing Button playing by the couch and I wasn't sure how I managed to get so pregnant with a toddler. Now I am a big believer that dreams have meaning. Dreaming that you are pregnant means that "an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing." But I think it is more than that. Because my life is changing mostly through the absence of others.

It seems so many people in my life are moving away and getting new jobs and new lives. And, even though it doesn't have much to do with me, it means that things are changing. By the end of the month my sister will have moved away to Oklahoma and by the end of August BT's sister will be in Indiana. And it is breaking my heart a little though I'd never admit that face to face. I am sad to see them go. I am sad for that means for my kids who will now have no aunts or uncles in driving distance. I wish them all luck and hope they are happy with their new lives but still. So whether or not that respect growth or development for me personally I couldn't say, but it will change things. I got a taste of over Independence Day weekend when we visited BT's parents and it was just us and them. It's going to get some getting use to. Even though BT's sister stopped visiting us at our house long ago we use to see her whenever we visited their parents and that is mostly where we saw her daughter too. So it is going to be different.

My sister lived with our parents so I saw her a couple of times a week. She would take Bub out to do things with him and she was always around. So her move is going to impact more of my day to day life. But I don't want to talk about that right now.

One of the other changes coming is the addition of two new librarians at my library. New people are fun to get to know and I always have high hopes that we will get on. And I am friendly enough that we usually become friends or at least friendly. But the library I work in can be stressful and operates on a somewhat scattered management philosophy. I am excited to have new people and new ideas coming in. I just hope they are happy with their decision especially since both are fresh out of library school and this will be their first librarian job. Both are going to have a lot of pressure.

And the last big thing is my decision to get permanent birth control. I think this is the one that most directly relates to the pregnancy dream. I know 99.9% that I am done having kids. The thought of having another one is giant NO. And so I am going soon to take care of that forever hopefully. But it is a big decision and not one I came to lightly. I'll write more on it later. It's just weird for me because I know all these people at the beginning or in the middle of having kids and making family decisions and here I am at the end. I feel like I am just at such a different stage in my life in that regard.