Word of the year

Some years I pick a word to define my years and some years I let the year pick the word. In 2016, the word became Grateful after Ben's diagnosis. In 2017, I choose Bravery and made it the Year of Being Brave. I learned how to swim, relearned how to ride a bike and started doing triathlon. It was a successful year in terms of fitness and trying new things. But then I let 2018 go and the word became Survival. And that is not good. It was not a good year personally, in terms of goals and BT's illness, and with my whole life in general. Every day I was just glad to have made it through the day. I threw a 40th birthday party and got no joy out of it. We went to Disney World and was miserable the whole time. My depression and anxiety took over everything and I didn't realize it until the year was ending. Several of the support systems I relied on quit for various reason unrelated to me but it turns out that was very bad for me mentally. Another support system experienced a major life change and that caused a few issues as well. No blame is involved and things just happen but it also made for a very bad year. BT also had a rapid downslide in his symptoms

One day talking to my best friend, I remarked that 2019 was also looking to be a very bad year. I realized later I was already writing off the entire year before it even started. So I sat down and wrote down 10 things I wanted to see or achieve in 2019. Mediating and being more mindful was at the top of the list. I've been using the Calm app on and off for a couple of years. So I've dedicated this year to doing at least 10 minutes of mediation every day. I find that mediation helps manage my anxiety and depression very well. There are also guided mindful runs on another app I use. I want to bring being more mindful into as many aspects of my life as I can.

I also recommitted to fitness because that was one of things that started to fall apart for me. I want to work on making sure all my relationships are healthy for me. I want to manage my relationship to Ben's ALS better. He is not doing well anymore and there is more and more for me, it feels like. We have to find a daily caregiver for him now. And that is another new and unwelcome change.  I want to try 3 new things this year. So I am trying to fix the blahness that resulted last year. I don't want to go out too hard though and burn out at the beginning of the year like so many people do. It's a marathon, not a sprint, after all.

Morning time

As I was waking everyone up this morning, it dawned on me how different my morning routine is. It was get up, children to bus, work. Fairly simple. But this school year has some changes thanks to my son graduating to middle school, my huband's continued degeneration, and my daughter's bus schedule being messed up.

The original plan for this year started fairly simple. They both have a bus stop in the same location. Because they go to the arts academies for their grades, the bus does not pass by my house. Rather I have to take them to a satellite location. And the fact that that location is the same for them should make it easy. However, Bub's bus doesn't come until close to 8:00. I have to be at work at 7:30. So yeah. Finally I decided to put him in morning care. It's fairly inexpensive for the morning program at his school. So I had planned to drop her at the bus, take him to school, get to work fairly on time. But then her bus situation got messed up thanks to the driver quitting days before the start of school. So then her bus wasn't coming until close to 8:00. The end result is that she ended up in morning care as well. The expense of both these programs is not great but it's the best solution otherwise.

So now I get up (still working on finding early morning time to run/exercise, for now that is being done in the evenings), and wake up Bub and get him in the shower, wake up LG and put her clothes out so she can change and then start getting ready myself. They either can have breakfast at home or at school, their choice. I get ready myself. Before we leave, I wake up BT who has taken to sleeping in the recliner so he can sleep more upright and also it is easier for him to get in and out of (we are working on a hospital bed for him to aid in this). I help BT out of the chair and we go. Then I drop off Bub at school, drive to LG's school and sign her in and then I go to work. It's a lot. I don't know if it sounds like a lot but it's a lot. It's a lot of driving and getting everyone where they need to go and helping them all out while still trying to get my own stuff together and make to work. But it's the best way and honestly has been less stressful. There are, of course, even less stressful ways to manage. I could pull them and make them go to our home schools and then they would be bused to and from the house. That is not an option for me. I love the arts academies and they are getting a great education and learning an in-depth art form at the same time. And I believe wholeheartedly in that. So this is what we are doing and I'm trying to make it work as best I can.

Selfish

I can't stop getting sick it seems. I honestly can't remember the last time this happened but January came at me hard and it's continued into February. As I'm typing this I feel so horrible. I had a viral infection that turned into a sinus infection and then I got better. Or so I thought. Because I'm back down with a monster cold and I've pretty much stopped any hard core cardio. The internet tells me I can run with a cold but my body says no, don't do it. And frankly since I'm not an elite athlete, I think I can take the time off. I'm probably going to skip my long run on Sunday which makes me feel super guilty but I have got to get well. I'm a little worried about the half marathon I have in March but I'll manage and probably only train up to 11 miles but it's fine. I have so many other responsibilities beyond running that I need to be well for those things over anything else.

Somewhere I decided that this was going to be year of bravery, a year of learning and trying new things. I think I hold myself back and I don't want that anymore. A lesson that has come from my husband's terminal illness is that I don't want either of us to die saying "I should have." I want us to have lived our best life. And some of that is together and some of that is apart. I have a bucket list of things I want to do with him. I want to look back and say we made the most of our time together. I want to have no regrets that I didn't try to maximize our time together. I told a few people the other week that I feel sorry for anyone who has to say at his funeral that they wish they had come visited more or that they wished they had done X,Y, or Z. Because the opportunity is here and now and there is no reason to not take advantage. I won't be one of those people. I know that 100%.

But beyond my husband is me. I feel like this need to try new things is my way of maximizing the time I have where I don't have to be his caregiver all of the time. One day I know things will be harder. He will need more care and time. The things he does now like cooking dinner every night he won't be able to do anymore. So in a way I'm taking advantage of the stage he is in now to fulfill my own personal bucket list. Swimming was a start and I'm so happy I started that even if it is part of the reason I am sick now. I've added kayaking and spinning and baking to my list. There may be a run-kayak duathlon at the end of the year I'd like to do. I'm taking a spin class next week and one day I'd like to sign up for a cake decorating class. It seems this year's mantra is Why not? All the excuses have gone away. Here and now because the future is so unpredictable.

But this newfound bravery does leave me with the feeling of being selfish. A part of me feels like I should dedicate all my time to my family and to my husband. I'm mean he's sick, like really sick and I don't know how long I'll have him like he is now or just how long I'll have him. Am I really maximizing our time when I go off to swim for a couple of hours a week? Shouldn't I be with him watching the kids and making sure everyone is okay? Everything I've read on caregiving says that the caregiver has to take care of themselves first. Because it is a hard thing to do and also very easy to get lost in the process and I don't want that. But I don't want to be negligent either. Running is easier in a way. I can just lace up and go run outside. I don't have to do races or anything that would pull too much time though I'd like to continue and I don't think it will be a problem. Anything I have to drive to seems like I'm asking a lot. I don't know why. But there has to be a balance somewhere, right? I wonder how other spouses or caregivers handle these types of things. BT doesn't mind me going. He understands my reasons why. It's all an internal struggle that makes me feel like choosing myself is somehow not choosing him or them. And that's not the case at all. I just don't want to come to the end of my life and say "I wish I had." I want to say "I'm glad I did."

Just keep swimming

So I went to swim class. I've been twice at this point now. The first time, last Wednesday, I was super nervous but I drove over there anyway. The pool they are using in the winter is pretty far from my house. The coach is extremely nice and I think if I set a goal she will get me there. So far she's taught me how to breath plus the rhythm of swimming and the correct form. I think I'm going to like it. Swimming feels nice and it's fun learning something new. Although as I'm crawling along last night trying to piece it all together, I thought man, if my (former) swimmer brother-in-law and triathlete sister-in-law could see me, they would just laugh. After practice yesterday I had a little conversation with a few of the other ladies and one asked how I liked it. I told her swimming is hard but I think I'm going to like it. Another one replied that Coach is good and she'll push you to your goals which is exactly what I need although I don't really have a goal right now with swimming. Mostly I just want to learn something new. Mostly I want to do a low impact cross training. And I want to be fit and in shape. But you never know one day I may have a swimming goal. Never say never anymore.

I have had this thought for a while. When I started all of this, my son has just turned 9 and my daughter was about to be 4. Now in his lifetime he's seen me exercise on and off but never with the dedication I've shown in the past year. I was never a runner, never a swimmer. I did 30 minutes 3 times a week of workout videos and that was it. And there was nothing wrong with that. But it didn't bring much satisfaction and it didn't last long. But this is different somehow. Somehow the running flipped a switch I didn't know I had and the results of that make me keep going back. It's nice in a way that my daughter won't remember the old me. When she grows up she'll just remember that her mom ran in races, that her mom is an athlete and she won't know that I wasn't for a very long time. But honestly I don't do these things for anyone else. I'm not trying to be an example or teach them any kind of lesson. I think the minute I tried I would fail. Because this is for me. It has to be. I need something that is just mine, especially now with everything that is going on. But if the end result is that my kids see me doing something new, being brave and learning. If my daughter thinks I've always been athletic. If they feel inspired to do the same. Then I count that as a good by-product of all of this. I know I am an example whether I intend to be or not. I'm happy that I'm a good example just not to them but to myself.

Bravery

At the end of every year a friend of mine asks on Facebook what your word for the year is going to be? In the past I've chosen words at the beginning of the year only to find at the end of the year there is a theme but maybe not based on the word I've chosen. I don't know what I would have chosen in January 2016 but I think the word I walked away with in December was "grateful." Because I learned the hard way about taking things for granted and for not appreciating the simple motion of life.

So do I pick a word for 2017? I don't have any real goals or resolutions. The health goal that everyone inevitably picks is pretty much taken care of for me. I run 3 or 4 times a week and do cross training exercises at least 3 days. We eat healthy and have significantly cut out processed foods. We could cut down on electronics but I'm not worried about that. I think I learned last year that you can't predict what can happen in a year and I'm not comfortable making a long-term goal. Sure there's a race I'd like to do at the end of the year and a vacation to go on this summer but mentally I'm not going to deal with those things until I need to. I think because I don't know how BT will be in a month, much less 6 months, I don't feel like I can go too far into the future. I'm very much in a "here and now" state of mind. Do what needs to be done now.

That being said, I would like to learn new things this year. Last year I hurt my foot and spent 3 weeks not being able to run. I did other work outs, usually taking BT's trail bike out or doing workouts from the Nike Training Club app. I like cycling but I hate that trail bike. It's heavy and not fitted for me. I wanted to buy myself a proper bike with Christmas money but I needed new running shoes and then a new phone so that was the majority of the money I got. So the dream of a new bike is on hold for now. Anyway, one of the things that I wanted to do when I couldn't run was take swim lessons. I can swim in the sense that I had 5 years of swim lessons as a kid and can keep myself afloat and alive. But I'm not a good swimmer or a strong swimmer and I'd like to learn how. I looked into it at the time but BT was still working and it was about the time things started to fall apart so I never went. But now I want to. Swimming is excellent cross training for runners. It's low impact and would, I think, help me with the last 25 pounds I want to lose. Yes, I know #strongnotskinny and the scale doesn't matter blah blah blah. But still I have extra weight that needs to go and swimming is excellent for achieving a leaner body.

The problem is all mental. I am painfully shy and introverted. I hate new situations and doing new things in front of people who know what they are doing. I am very afraid of embarrassing myself. I know the truth is that no one cares. That everyone started somewhere. My first 5k took me 38:36 with a pace of 12'23" and now my personal best is 33:37 with a pace of 10'49". Still "slow" but I'm getting stronger and faster and honestly my only goal is to run a 10 minute miles someday. You improve as you go. That's how these things work. So I know intellectually that my fears are unfounded. I'm not going to be judged on not being good at something that I am admittedly not good at. That's why I need lessons and why I want to learn. I was thinking the other day that I will be 39 in a few months and how do I want to spend my last year in my 30's? I want to learn new things. I want to try new things. I can't take anything for granted anymore so I want to do it all. I want to help BT live his best life now and live mine too. We have a finite amount of time together and I want us to enjoy as many moments as we can.

So Bravery is the word I would pick. It's going to be a year of hard things. Hell, it's going to be a life of really hard things from here on out. And I want to brave for all that is to come. And it's a tiny thing in the face of an overwhelming illness like ALS but I want to take a step forward and do something new just for me just right now.

Grateful and thankful

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down

No, I think that sets the wrong tone. But really this is the story of how I learned to be grateful, why I am feeling particularly blessed, and how I figured out that even in the face of tragedy, especially in the face of personal tragedy, you can find a special kind of happiness.

It's a longer story of how he ended up there but the short version is that summer 2016 BT ended up a neurologist who sent him for extensive MRIs for a series of symptoms he had been presenting: uncontrollable muscle twitchings (fasciculations), balance issues, progressive muscle weakness. If you google these things together, ALS is one of the worst case scenario diseases that come up. But it's never the worst case scenario which is what I told him when he would bring it up. Parkinson's, maybe MS but ALS is terminal and it's never the worst case scenario anyway. But it was. Because of course it was. I didn't go to the doctor with him to hear the results. But when he called me to tell me I assure you, I did not comprehend everything he was saying. One of my friends knew that the results were coming in that day because I had been jumpy all afternoon and he happened to call right when I got off the phone with BT. I remember just sobbing into the phone and him telling me to get it together because I could not do that in front of the kids and I said "This moment, right here, this is when I get to fall apart. Because when I walk into that house I know I cannot do this. But I can right now. This is my moment to do this." And I did. I will forever to be grateful that I had someone who calmly listened to me fall apart and talk me through one of the worst moments of my life.  But then I lost it completely when I told my mom in the garage. The simple act of telling people this kind of news becomes easy but it also chips away at you. I don't know how much I've lost of myself in relaying the news over and over.

He was sent to Baylor for a second opinion. In between, we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary bringing our total number of years together to 18 thus far. Between the two appointments I was working the reference desk and a student came to ask me for help. Noticing my wedding ring he asked how long  I had been married.

Me: It's funny you ask. It will be 12 years next week.
Student: Wow, 12 years that is so long. You never hear that anymore.
Me: Yes, 18 years all in all.
Student: That is so amazing.
Me; Yes, I have been very blessed.

 Something in that conversation was a revelation to me. I had spent the better part of the two weeks since the initial diagnosis crying and bemoaning the circumstances but this brought home the fact that I had been very lucky. I don't believe in soulmates but I would say that BT was made for me. We're just a match. And it hasn't always been easy and we haven't always gotten along but I think we were just meant to be together. And to be maudlin, if we only have 20 years together, then there is no better way I would spend those 20 years.

So the diagnosis was confirmed thus ending everyone's hope that it was maybe something else. He couldn't go to work anymore and had to learn how to stay home which was not easy for the hard worker that he is. There was more falling, more muscle weakness, physical therapy, and foot brace. It felt like something new and something worse everyday. I had a moment when I thought maybe he was at a plateau and maybe it wouldn't get any worse and we could deal with this and then something happened, a fall or his left leg started to feel weaker or something and I knew I could not believe in a miracle. That it would crush me and I'd never recover if I believed and that miracle never came. Acceptance is not resignation though. I just know that I have to do what needs to be done and I want to make sure he lives his best life. And the miracle will come whether I believe or not. Because that's what makes them miracles. But I know for a fact that I am extremely lucky and so very blessed. And what gets weighed down in everyday life and gets taken for grant is so crystal clear to me right now. I could write a million words on how horrible this is and why everything sucks and why why why. On the future that has been lost and replaced with the likelihood and terribleness of being a young widow with two kids. I don't look into the future so much anymore. I couldn't even begin to plan it and it doesn't look like I want it to so I try to stay right where I am. To do what needs to be done now. To enjoy every moment. To be grateful and thankful for everything I have. That is the best place to be right now.

Pants on Fire

So I didn't follow through at all on the BEDN. Oh well. I didn't really try. That's okay. I'm trying out the motto "It is what it is." It seems applicable to so many things these days. The truth is I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety these days including having some panic attacks. This is a new thing for me. I've always been a worrier but never had such physical symptoms. Don't worry. I'm going to see a doctor next week. It could be related to the tinnitus I've been experiencing for the same amount of time or the tinnitus could be a result of the anxiety. I don't know. I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure out what the triggers are. Feelings of losing something seem to play a part in all of it. Lose of job and income or losing friends have become an general worry for me despite the fact that there is almost no need to worry about any of it. Whatever happens happens and all those clichés. So those are some of the things I didn't want to talk about before. I'm not one to open up about these types of things. It's not in my nature but it's nice to admit them in the open even to the 3 people that may or may not read this. It sucks in a way to need constant reassurance from others that they love me or need me or whatever. It feels needy. But I think everyone wants to hear it sometimes and sometimes you need it more than others. I told my friend, who is going through a rough time, the other day that she was awesome. She said that she hasn't been lately but I'm awesome for saying it. And I replied "We all have things. You just have one right now." It seems I'm having a thing right now too. But everything is going to be okay. I firmly believe that.

Party like it's my birthday

Because it is!  My birthday, I mean. Yes today I'm turning the crusty old age of 37. My plans for today including going to work, taking my son to school, going back to work, working, and then leaving early and going to the movies to see Pitch Perfect 2. I'm pretty excited. Maybe not for the work part but the movies sound pretty good. My coworker mentioned lunch but I think I just want to eat movie nachos and chill. It's not exciting but then I've never been inclined toward the exciting so it suits me just fine. I may even buy myself a book and the drink a margarita with the fajitas my husband is gong to make me.

I kind of can't believe that I am 37. You ever have one of the those moments when you suddenly realize how old you are. Yeah, that's me. I had a moment the other day when I was suddenly surprised to find that I was 36 and a mother of two. It was weird but it was a moment of just supreme awareness. And I know that 37 is nowhere near old but I keep thinking about how close to 40 I am. Turning 30 didn't bother me and 35 was whatever but I have a feeling I'm going to take 40 hard especially judging by the way I'm dwelling on 37. But a coworker asked me what more I wanted to accomplish in life?Nothing, really. I have a beautiful family, a good career and a nice house. I think I've done pretty well for myself. So it's not that. It's just a weird thing.

There is no clever title available right now

It's been a while. The thing is I haven't had the brain space for a long while to keep up with anything other than a stupid app game on my iPad. It's like when I was young and I'd visit my (future) in-laws and I'd play The Sims all the time but worse because I own this so can play it whenever I want. I'm trying though to get back to reading and writing and doing things I use to love. But everything is so busy lately, work being incredibly stressful as of late and multiple sports things happening with Bub. But now that he is down to one sport and the big project I am in charge settling down into a rhythm I might be able to get my head together.

I've had several blog topic ideas lately but I've forgotten them right now, of course. I'm not sure anyone is interested in the struggles of a Collection Development Librarian or in my latest management difficulties. But I'm going to try to get back into doing the things I use to like doing. 

Reluctant reader

I'm working the Reference Desk this afternoon.  I had 3 questions right away and then almost nothing for the rest of the time. I still have 1 1/2 hour left to go. I was thinking I'd write something. But I don't know what. I don't have a real topic. Mostly I'm just bored. So let's see.

I haven't been reading. That's unusual for me. I've read everyday since I learned how. But lately I've been playing games on my iPad rather than picking up a book. I've all but outright abandoned my book blog and sooner or later I need to either just shut it down or review something again. Maybe micro-reviews rather than the full ones or something. I just know that the actual act of picking up a book hasn't been happening. I read over Christmas break. I read 2 books and that felt good. Honestly this kind of reading impedance is confusing for me. I'll work it out.

I have still been listening to audio books on the commute and now I have Bub hooked on them. We've listened to Peter Nimble and His Fantastic Eyes, Floors, 3 Below, and Peter and the Starcatchers. I liked that he is enjoying books. I hope that one day he can read them himself with as much enjoyment. In the meantime, I'm listening to his books when he is with me and then my own when he is not. I'm on my 4th or 5th listen of To Say Nothing of the Dog, Or How We Found the Bishop's Bird Stump At Last, one of my absolute favorites. At least that's something.

Pregnancy nostalgia

It seems to be baby time or at least it is on my Facebook feed. Several people have announced pregnancies for late this year or early 2015. I got a little sentimental thinking about being newly pregnant with my kids. I never did an elaborate announcement like Pinterest shows. I was pregnant with Bub before Facebook was the thing that it is now. So that was mostly a word of mouth type thing.

I remember sitting at my desk and feeling woozy. We weren't really trying for a baby yet (the time was set for a few months from then) but it was still a possibility and as soon as I felt that I began to suspect. I stopped and bought 1 pregnancy test and as soon as I got home I took it. When I saw those 2 lines, I freaked out. I ran back to the store and bought more tests and took 2 more. All came back positive almost immediately. I called my BFF-cousin because I knew that out of everyone she would be level-headed about it and I certainly didn't want to tell BT over the phone. She reassured me and I called the doctor. The nurse had me come in and do a pregnancy test, basically what I had just done 3 of at home and she confirmed it. We were leaving that afternoon to go to BT's grandfather's funeral so I had to pick BT up at work. On the way to do that I was trying to figure out how to tell him but, in the end, he got in the car, I burst into tears and told him I was pregnant. He was very happy about it. It was almost time anyway. We told BT's parents that night by bascially saying "You know how you just became grandparents? You ready to do it again?"(the Nephew had just been born) and then my parents when we got home. Nothing very clever. Well except my whole life anytime I wanted to talk to my mom, she'd start the conversation with "You're not pregnant, are you?" So I sat down and said "Hey, remember how anytime I wanted to talk to you, you'd say 'You're not pregnant, are you?' Well I want to talk to you." She got it and my parents were super happy.

For Button, I had this feeling that I wanted to keep it to myself for just a little bit. Bub belong to everyone almost right away and I wanted this one for myself. She was definitely planned so it was not surprising. Since we were trying, I bought some pregnancy tests and had them at the house. One Friday before I was suppose to start my period, I took one and it came back with the faintest line but I knew. So the next day I went out and bought a pack of newborn diapers and made a card that said "You ready to do this again?" and tied a positive pregnancy test to the diapers with the note and put it on the table. I thought BT would see it right away but, I swear, the man has some sort of tunnel vision. I sent him to the kitchen at least 3 times thinking he would see it. But no, finally, I had to tell him to go look on the table. It was a little anticlimactic. We told my parents a few weeks later by putting a Big Brother t-shirt on Bub. My mom was home alone and I had to direct her to look at his shirt and then my sister and dad when they got home. We put the same shirt on Bub a few weeks after that when we went to the beach for Labor Day with BT's family. They saw it right away so that was gratifying.

I look at my kids and it's funny to think about before I had them, when I just found out I was pregnant and now here they are such amazing little people.

The second time around

Bub has been away for 11 days visiting BT's parents and playing with his older cousin (8). I reached my limit on him being gone on day 9 but I get him back tonight so we made it through. His cousin left but BT's younger sister came with her 1 year old daughter so he still got to spend time with them. My SiL said something on Twitter yesterday to the effect of after spending the day with him and her own daughter she knows she could not handle 2 kids right now. And I chuckled because it reminded me of back before I had Button and how I felt when I got pregnant with her.

It was always agreed that we would have two kids, always. We had Bub and he is a pretty awesome kid but a handful with all his energy and talking and the constantness of just him. But still I knew I wanted another one for multiple reasons but a big one was so that he would never be alone and he would have a sibling to relate to. So after he was potty trained and we enjoyed that for a while, it was decided it was time. The thing about having a second kid is you know exactly what you are looking forward, the highs and the lows and I always said that when I forgot just how bone-crushingly exhausted I was then we could have another baby. I don't know if you ever entirely forget that but the memory wears thin enough. But still after I found out I was pregnant again I had a few moments of pure panic. What if this ruined everything? I mean we had a good thing going just the three of us. We were a happy little family and you just never know who you are going to get or what is going to happen. Luckily it all turned out wonderfully but I did a lot of praying.

Thinking about all of this reminded me of a mommy blogger who I follow who, when she brought home her 2nd child, remarked that it was all going smoothly and that having 2 wasn't going to be so hard. And then I laughed because I was that person too. The first days of most newborns are sleepy. They sleep a lot. (Bub didn't but that's a different story.) Button was a sleeper for about 2 weeks and in those two weeks I thought, this isn't too bad. He's five so he's old enough to do things for himself and to get things I might need. And then she woke up and started paying attention to the world and the dynamic shifted. The hardest thing was the lack of time for my son. For 5 years he was the only one we had and so we got to focus on him for so long that I had overwhelming guilt when I could no longer just do what he wanted to do. Yes, there are lessons in there for patience and waiting your turn and not being selfish or needy or clingy. But still he went from Mom whenever he wanted to Wait till I'm done with the baby. Luckily he is an easy enough child that he wasn't overly phased. I had to work to let go of the way we were and get to use to the idea of the way we are. That I can't provide the same mommying that I could before. The worst thing was that he was cooped up in the house for quite a bit of time during my maternity leave but my mom and my sister did their best to entertain him and pay attention to him. So we were lucky in that way. It also helped that he took to the idea of being a big brother and loves her so much. They entertain each other and so he is a big helper for me.

Every change can be hard and I still couldn't say for certain which was a bigger change for us, becoming first time parents or having a second child. Becoming first time parents was definitely the harder change on us as a couple but adding another kid to the mix was, while not the most difficult, made a huge impact on our family dynamic. It lead to BT working nights so he could care for her so that lead to me caring for two kids alone almost every night with one starting school (and that was incredibly hard (also a different story)) and us hardly ever seeing each other for 2 years. But we made it through and now our dynamic is settling down into something more comfortable for everyone and both kids get to see both parents everyday.

I will say I'm happy that we waited till he was older*. I'm not sure how I would have handled two babies or a newborn and a toddler. That, to me, seems like it would be the hardest thing of all.


*I have more to say on spacing but this thing has gotten super long so I'll save it.

A little less

Every now and then someone on one of my social media feeds decides to take a break from it all. I have one Facebook acquaintance who is taking 6 months off of personal social media. I'm not inclined to taking a full out break but I am occasionally tempted. What I think I might do though is do less. Sadly the goal I'm having the hardest time with is being on my electronics less. I know what I'm teaching my kids by example but I always think well let me check X really quick and then I stay looking at links to articles and blog posts instead of just putting the phone, tablet, whatever done almost right away. In other words, it's never really quick. So I'm turning notifications off. I'm limiting myself how much I get to check. Maybe 3 times a day to start, I'm not sure. Basically I'm thinking that no electronics from when I get home till they are in bed (this does not count my Nook for reading). When I'm with my family, I want to be with my family. Maybe a slackening in my own usage will help change some of the habits that my son has picked up. All in all, a little less plug-in can't be a bad thing.

Getting through it

Between soccer ending and baseball beginning, I feel like the stress had doubled down on me. BT is still out with training so I'm running around being primary for both kids. She's not so much a problem. Just a drop-off at daycare and that's it (so far). Thank God for my mom because I would have collapsed in a puddle of tears by now. She's the one who picks them up and watches them after school and has been watching them on Saturdays while I do the grocery shopping. But Bub has soccer practice on Mondays and now is going to have baseball practice on Tuesdays and Sundays, something I just found out on this past Sunday. So this week has become soccer practice Monday, baseball practice Tuesday, parent/teacher conference Thursday night, soccer games on Friday AND Saturday, Button's birthday on Friday with her party on Sunday, PLUS I have a library conference Thursday and Friday (thankfully in my city) at which I'm presenting. I have a plan to get through it all but mostly I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Thankfully BT will be home this weekend to help with the cleaning. Soccer is almost over. One more practice and then a tournament at the first of April and then we can concentrate solely on baseball. Next week doesn't look nearly this bad. I feel like I've done a good job keeping it together this month but it's like everything converged onto this one week.

Sick and tired, tired of sick

I just realized that I've barely posted this month despite having the occasional topic to write about. I've been sick for 3 weeks now which unhappily coincided with BT leaving for training for his new job and leaving me to care for the 2 hooligans. I thought I was getting better but then I relapsed or something because this weekend I ended up feeling worse. I ended up at the doctor on Monday where I got a shot of cortisone and an antibiotic.  I also swung by the aromatherapy place for some thieves oil. Both of these things seem to have helped and technically I can breathe through my nose but I'm still congested. I thought I'd be well by now. I don't know what this cold is but it hangs on, that's for sure. I'm just hoping, at this point, to be well for Button's birthday next week (!) and all that is going to be going on for that.

Into the fray

The good news is that BT got a new job. A day time job in fact so that's pretty awesome. The bad news is that he has to go for training and won't be around for a while. The worst new is that Button has to go to daycare now. Yeah, maybe that's not the worst news but it feels like it. It feels like it because I've enjoyed knowing she was home with her dad and I knew for certain how her day was going and that she was happy. But all the research I did in the past on daycares paid off because I was able to call up a few that we saw and find her a spot almost right away. My first choice had a tentative spot in 2-4 weeks. Eh, I was hesitate to take it because what if the spot hadn't opened up when we needed it? I can only take so much work off and I've been doing a lot of that lately. Plus soon it will just be down to me to take care of them. So I called my second choice and they had 2 spots available right then. It was decided to take the sure thing. Plus this place has the bonus of holiday care so Bub will have a place to go on the days that he is off and I am not. Heck I might even make him go on a few of those days so I can get a few things done in peace. And it has a summer camp so he will be able to go to that. He went there a few years ago and had a good time so I know that he will enjoy it this summer too. This way they will be at the same place and it will be easier to drop off/pick up whenever they need to go at the same time. So that makes things a bit easier on me. And because she is enrolled there, he has first choice at a summer camp spot.

All in all, I think it's going to work out fine. She is becoming more and more interested in other kids and wants to play with them. She seems to be craving some socialization. I'm not sure if 40 hours a week is what she necessarily wants but it's what she is getting. They will teach her things and it will be a good learning experience. I know she's only 2 but it's probably a good time for her to get out of the house and start hanging out with others. And if nothing else it's probably only for a couple of years anyway if I can get her into the preschool at Bub's school. There is a sense of accomplishment not putting her in daycare for almost the first 2 years of her life, but I am also afraid it will make it harder. I've seen kids starting daycare after years at home with mom (or dad) and it can be sad. I'm sure we will have our ups and downs but once she gets use to it, I think she is going to like it.

Happy New Year (playing catchup)

Happy 2014! I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. Ours has been pretty busy but fun. Christmas we spent with my family and everyone enjoyed all their presents. Bub and I received archery sets but we've only got to shoot a few times, mostly because of the rain. Button's been enjoying her new barn and dollhouse and Bub's favorite present is the Kindle Fire my sister got him (she spoils him). 

Yesterday for New Year's Eve we took the kids to the local childrens museum to their New Year's Noon party. It was super crowded but they had fun. At noon, the museum does a countdown and then confetti and toys fall out of balls hanging from the ceiling. They have outdoor carnival games and then all the regular museum exhibits too. This is the 3rd time we've gone and Bub likes it. Then last night the kids and I went to dinner with my parents and sister and had some seafood. It was a long wait but the food was good. We made it home early and not one of the three of us saw the new year come in. I think BT was the only one awake.

Today we had lunch with my parents and spent some more time over there since my sister is going back home this afternoon. It's been a fairly quiet day. We watched LSU play and then we left before she did since Button was desperately in need of a nap. My plans for the rest of the day include doing nothing. It's been a whirlwind of activity since winter break started and I think we need some downtime at home. And anyway I think we need to rest up since tomorrow starts day 1 of a preliminary attempt at potty training. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to involve a lot of cleaning up.

New Year Goals

Once again I am going to set goals rather than resolutions. I think my goals this year are going to look a lot like last years, only because they are basically life goals rather than yearly goals. It's things I strive to change daily, but I have a hard time.

1. I'd like to be a healthier version of me.  And a lot of that is losing weight, yes. I know it is the ultimate cliche at New Years to say you want to lose weight, but it is still true. This year I am going to join Weight Watchers as a sign of my commitment and to motivate me. If I am paying for something I am going to get all I can out of it. I just want my clothes to fit me again and to not feel gross about myself. So I am going to give it a go. Along with that is working out again and dragging my butt out of bed in the mornings to get it done. While I always think that being runner is really cool, I'm probably not going to that. I might attempt the C25K again but I am not committing to that. Rather I am going to try for 3-4 days of exercise and then healthy eating to go with it. I want to show my kids what the right lifestyle looks like and teach them. But mostly I want to do it for me.

2. I'd like to be on my phone/electronics less. I didn't do great with this last year. I am on the computer much less at home but not my phone. I am on my phone a lot. I need to just put it down and pay attention even if it is just to watch TV with my kids. Along with that is the resolution to make Bub get off his electronics too. He is taking cues from me and his dad about that and it needs to stop.
 
3. To have more family dinners. We use to do this everyday. But most nights it's just me and the kids and I have become very relaxed about eating dinner together and with the TV off. That's about to change. Some quiet family time for dinner and then homework and family time afterward, that's how we use to do it and we are going back to that.

The Grateful Project wrap-up

I had actually intended to finish out the month with posts of gratefulness Friday and Saturday but it's been really busy. We were at BT's parent's house till Saturday morning and then Saturday afternoon I drove to a small town near us to buy a present for my aunt and then we went to my parent's house to have dinner and watch TV (how about that Auburn-Alabama game). Sunday BT put up the outside lights and the kids and I did some shopping for Bub's birthday party and some other household things we needed. Friday is going to be cleaning day and I wanted to be prepared. Then I cleaned up Bub's room which is no mean feat and started on Button's but I lost my momentum. So I watched a movie with them and then we made gingerbread men and went to the local zoo for their Christmas light display. We had a lot of fun but it took longer than I thought so everyone went to bed much later than we should have. Both me and Bub were hard pressed to get out of bed this morning.

So I guess to finish out the month I have to say I am grateful for being busy. Amber Riley said on DWTS that if you complain  when  you are busy then you'll complain when you are not and you'll never be happy. That is so true so it's good to be busy and to have plenty to do. I do wish for a little downtime but other that that is good to have such fun stuff to do.

The Grateful Project + NaNoWriMo

So I thought for November I might do a month of saying what I am grateful for everyday. I'm thinking of stylizing like I did with the 31 Things Project. I had a lot of fun with that. I know last year people did this on Facebook but I don't think I want to do it there. I'd like to keep it to something I am grateful for that day rather the general my family, my house, type of thing but I can guarantee there will be a few days at least devote to those topics. But I'd like to celebrate the small moments if possible. It might end up being a day behind if I do that since I will be saying what I was grateful for the day before which will be fine too. I guess I'll have to see how it works out.

The other thing that has come up is I think I might try to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). I have an idea swirling around in my head and though I don't want to really be a writer for real or anything, I do like writing and I miss it. I use to write all the time before grad school but I don't do that anymore. This seems like a good time to try again.