Triathlon

So a month ago I wrote about my training plans. Since then two things have happened. The first is that I got really sick with something. I don't know what. But I had zero energy and resting didn't help and was incapable of doing most things. I did get check out  by my doctor and everything came back good and I am really healthy just in general. So it was probably just stress and a virus. But I lost almost a week on working out. It happened on a Saturday. And by Thursday I thought enough is enough and started feeling better. I did a walk and yoga and was tired after. The next day I did a short 20 minute swim and almost didn't make it through the day. So it was a bit of a climb back to do what I usually do. In the midst of that I was talking to my therapist and he asked if I was looking forward to anything. And I said no. But I had been wondering about doing the sprint in October I've been planning on most of the year. When I was sick, I realized I didn't want to. I am tired. I'd already decided no more long distance races for the next year so I don't have anything planned after the sprint. I was already planning on a more relaxed year after that. So instead I'll start that early. After the super sprint I have on Saturday I am going to take a break. I want to work on continuing all the sports but in a less urgent way. Maybe 3 runs, 1 swim, 1 bike a week. I want to add on more strength training and gain some muscles. Being stronger would help so much with the cardio sports. So weights and strength training is what I'm looking at for the rest of the year. And next year my A race will be the October sprint and I'll plan on less races for the year to avoid burnout. I need to find the fun again in all of this. I am constantly stressed my life and my husband's condition that I need to find more fun and the fun I had with my workouts. This seems like a good place to start.

Never not training

So 2 years ago I took up running with Couch to 5k and I’ve done quite a few races; 5ks, 10ks, half marathons as well as 3 super sprint triathlons. I have 1 more of the latter next month and then a sprint tri in October and then I am done for the year. It’ll be weird to be done with the race season so early but I made the decision in March that I was done with long distance running for a while. My last 2 half marathons were torturous at best and I realized I preferred mid distance so 10ks mainly. So I may try to pick up one of those. Anyway. My training this year has felt fairly relaxed. I went hard for so long but I gave myself a break for the most part this year. I’ll have to pick it back up for the sprint since that is going to be longer and my first open water swim. I will admit that there is also something lacking in my training. It’s like the challenge has gone out. I’m not motivated to push for longer distance though I have resolved to do a full marathon at least once after my 42nd birthday. So I bought myself 2 years on that. So what do I strive for? I wish I knew the answer. I do know that I refuse to give up. I never want the day to come where someone says “Do you remember the time you were a runner?” I want it to be “Do you remember when you started running and never looked back?”

I do work hard at being injury free. I’ve found that not running back to back days helps. That the swimming and cycling help. One of the things that has been good is adding strength training but that is one of the areas that I need the most guidance and help.  So I guess there is a challenge.

All this training is interesting in a way. I leaned into it hard as a coping mechanism for my husband’s illness. And not to say that I don’t anymore but that I don’t need it quite like that anymore. I escaped into it but now it’s less of an escape and more of a routine. And I am very attached to my routines. That has become more coping strategy these days though not necessarily a good one since flexibility is becoming more important as time moves on. But exercise and time to maintain a healthy body is necessary for a healthy mindset.

(And if anyone is interested, my instagram is primarily sports related if you want to follow along.)

Do or do not. There is no try.

So I have a second super sprint triathlon this coming weekend. If you don't know what that is, triathlons come in different lengths and a super sprint is the shortest they come. So this one is a 200 meter swim, 8 mile bike, 2 mile run. I've been training for it, probably more than completely necessary but really mostly for the fitness level. I could probably do a sprint pretty easily at this point (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 3.11 mile run) but I think I'm going to hold off on that length until next year. Something to strive for and give me a reason to get back to triathlon next year. I'm thinking next year and maybe the year after for sprints and then if I'm still up for it I can go for an Olympic.

When I first started running I did the Couch to 5k thing so the first race I ran was, naturally, a 5k. After that I decided to work my way up the ladder, so to speak. So I got a 10k plan and worked through that and then a 15k plan and worked through that. And what ended up happening was I ran a lot of 2 mile runs. I got a really good at running 2 miles without stopping and honestly I think having that base has helped me in so many ways. Because I know 100% that 2 miles is that not that far. And the 3 miles is just one more beyond that. And I break down a 10k and half marathon the same way. So I'm approaching triathlon in a similar way. I can do a super sprint fairly easily and once I'm good at that then I can move up my distances but with having a decent base to start, it makes it easier for  my mind set.

Once this tri is over, then my triathlon season for the year is over. I had initially planned on doing a sprint in October but the timing is wrong and I'd like to have a bigger goal for next year anyway.  I'm going back to running as my main sport but with at least one bike and one swim a week for cross training and conditioning. Now my goal is to train for speed and endurance for a 10k, the longest race I plan on having for the rest of the year. I'd like to run the 10k without stopping and run it faster than I have been able to go lately. So we'll see. I'm going to pick out a plan and get started on that as soon as this triathlon is over. I'm anxious for some reason to get started on that and get running more.

The art of giving up (and then not)

I have a few people tell me lately that I'm an inspiration. I don't especially feel like an inspiration. I'm just doing what I do. Most of the time lately I just feel tired. Mentally I have a lot going on and I'm on a break with most things right now trying to figure myself out. It can be a lot and I'll complain sometimes about the ALS and what it's doing but I try not to. People tell me I have every right but I don't think I do. It's not happening directly to me though I do have a one-on-one relationship with it. I likened it to when you are driving and you see an storm coming up and you just know that you are about to get slammed. I can see the storm. I can't avoid it. I just don't know how far away it is or how fast I am going towards it. And, yes, it is directly happening to my husband but once we really get in the thick of it, so much will be up to me. Just how the morning routine will change alone is enough for me to know how much will be up to me. I'm not good with change. I tend to be slow to accept it. I try to make the same as it always was but that's not healthy. That's not how life works.

So I'm on autopilot a lot. This is how the morning goes, this is how the day goes, the evening, etc and very often lately I'm not reacting well to any changes in those routines. I'm making it harder than it needs to be but I just keep wishing everything was the same. And it's not and never will be.

I did a second half marathon a few weeks ago. I beat my first time by 5 minutes and felt really good about the whole race. My goal one day is to do a half without any walking. I did 12:1 ratios and then mini stops at the water stations. Next time I'm going to try just stopping at the water stations and see how that goes. I have a thankfully shorter 10k in April that I'm racing for Team Gleason and then no real race plans for a while. I know of a few in the fall I want to do but no distances decided yet. Well except there is a run-paddle duathlon that I desperately want to do. Anyway, I took a week off of running because I was trying to avoid burnout and did other workouts instead. I got a new bike that I love but I hadn't had time for and then there was swimming. I also thought it would be fun to do a spin class. And that fucked me up. I'm not sure what happened but when I tried to go out on Sunday that run turned painful about half way through the 3 miles. I finished it out but it was rough and now I'm scared. Tuesday I started to have a mini nervous breakdown about life frankly. It was pretty bad. And one of the things I keep saying is that I'm just going to give it all up. Forget running or triathlons or swimming or any of that. I won't do it anymore. I just wanted to quit. So much for being someone's inspiration. But I stayed home on Wednesday for a mental health day and somewhere in the morning decided to take my bike out. When I got home, I told BT that I really like exercising. I like the accomplishment and how I feel and I look. And he rolled his eyes and said he already knew that and that he wasn't surprised. I'm still scared to run. I'm planning on trying with a 2 mile when I get home. I haven't been to swim all week but I'll go tomorrow. But I did ride my bike a few times this week and keep it fairly easy actually. I skipped all strength training and have been just laid back. I pile things on things and sometimes I have to just stop. I'm pretty sure Ferris Bueller says it best. I have to readjust how I feel about things and about how I take them in. And though I feel selfish, I have to do things for me. That's how life works.

Just keep swimming

So I went to swim class. I've been twice at this point now. The first time, last Wednesday, I was super nervous but I drove over there anyway. The pool they are using in the winter is pretty far from my house. The coach is extremely nice and I think if I set a goal she will get me there. So far she's taught me how to breath plus the rhythm of swimming and the correct form. I think I'm going to like it. Swimming feels nice and it's fun learning something new. Although as I'm crawling along last night trying to piece it all together, I thought man, if my (former) swimmer brother-in-law and triathlete sister-in-law could see me, they would just laugh. After practice yesterday I had a little conversation with a few of the other ladies and one asked how I liked it. I told her swimming is hard but I think I'm going to like it. Another one replied that Coach is good and she'll push you to your goals which is exactly what I need although I don't really have a goal right now with swimming. Mostly I just want to learn something new. Mostly I want to do a low impact cross training. And I want to be fit and in shape. But you never know one day I may have a swimming goal. Never say never anymore.

I have had this thought for a while. When I started all of this, my son has just turned 9 and my daughter was about to be 4. Now in his lifetime he's seen me exercise on and off but never with the dedication I've shown in the past year. I was never a runner, never a swimmer. I did 30 minutes 3 times a week of workout videos and that was it. And there was nothing wrong with that. But it didn't bring much satisfaction and it didn't last long. But this is different somehow. Somehow the running flipped a switch I didn't know I had and the results of that make me keep going back. It's nice in a way that my daughter won't remember the old me. When she grows up she'll just remember that her mom ran in races, that her mom is an athlete and she won't know that I wasn't for a very long time. But honestly I don't do these things for anyone else. I'm not trying to be an example or teach them any kind of lesson. I think the minute I tried I would fail. Because this is for me. It has to be. I need something that is just mine, especially now with everything that is going on. But if the end result is that my kids see me doing something new, being brave and learning. If my daughter thinks I've always been athletic. If they feel inspired to do the same. Then I count that as a good by-product of all of this. I know I am an example whether I intend to be or not. I'm happy that I'm a good example just not to them but to myself.

Bravery

At the end of every year a friend of mine asks on Facebook what your word for the year is going to be? In the past I've chosen words at the beginning of the year only to find at the end of the year there is a theme but maybe not based on the word I've chosen. I don't know what I would have chosen in January 2016 but I think the word I walked away with in December was "grateful." Because I learned the hard way about taking things for granted and for not appreciating the simple motion of life.

So do I pick a word for 2017? I don't have any real goals or resolutions. The health goal that everyone inevitably picks is pretty much taken care of for me. I run 3 or 4 times a week and do cross training exercises at least 3 days. We eat healthy and have significantly cut out processed foods. We could cut down on electronics but I'm not worried about that. I think I learned last year that you can't predict what can happen in a year and I'm not comfortable making a long-term goal. Sure there's a race I'd like to do at the end of the year and a vacation to go on this summer but mentally I'm not going to deal with those things until I need to. I think because I don't know how BT will be in a month, much less 6 months, I don't feel like I can go too far into the future. I'm very much in a "here and now" state of mind. Do what needs to be done now.

That being said, I would like to learn new things this year. Last year I hurt my foot and spent 3 weeks not being able to run. I did other work outs, usually taking BT's trail bike out or doing workouts from the Nike Training Club app. I like cycling but I hate that trail bike. It's heavy and not fitted for me. I wanted to buy myself a proper bike with Christmas money but I needed new running shoes and then a new phone so that was the majority of the money I got. So the dream of a new bike is on hold for now. Anyway, one of the things that I wanted to do when I couldn't run was take swim lessons. I can swim in the sense that I had 5 years of swim lessons as a kid and can keep myself afloat and alive. But I'm not a good swimmer or a strong swimmer and I'd like to learn how. I looked into it at the time but BT was still working and it was about the time things started to fall apart so I never went. But now I want to. Swimming is excellent cross training for runners. It's low impact and would, I think, help me with the last 25 pounds I want to lose. Yes, I know #strongnotskinny and the scale doesn't matter blah blah blah. But still I have extra weight that needs to go and swimming is excellent for achieving a leaner body.

The problem is all mental. I am painfully shy and introverted. I hate new situations and doing new things in front of people who know what they are doing. I am very afraid of embarrassing myself. I know the truth is that no one cares. That everyone started somewhere. My first 5k took me 38:36 with a pace of 12'23" and now my personal best is 33:37 with a pace of 10'49". Still "slow" but I'm getting stronger and faster and honestly my only goal is to run a 10 minute miles someday. You improve as you go. That's how these things work. So I know intellectually that my fears are unfounded. I'm not going to be judged on not being good at something that I am admittedly not good at. That's why I need lessons and why I want to learn. I was thinking the other day that I will be 39 in a few months and how do I want to spend my last year in my 30's? I want to learn new things. I want to try new things. I can't take anything for granted anymore so I want to do it all. I want to help BT live his best life now and live mine too. We have a finite amount of time together and I want us to enjoy as many moments as we can.

So Bravery is the word I would pick. It's going to be a year of hard things. Hell, it's going to be a life of really hard things from here on out. And I want to brave for all that is to come. And it's a tiny thing in the face of an overwhelming illness like ALS but I want to take a step forward and do something new just for me just right now.

On Tuesdays we (use to) run

Apparently when I can't run I blog about not running.

 I'm back on a running hiatus of sorts. A few weeks ago, I hurt my foot (plantar fasciitis) after achieving a 5 mile run. I really only had 4 miles in me but I pushed through and was super proud of myself but that extra mile cost me 3 weeks of running so it probably wasn't worth it. I tried, like most runners, to just push through the pain but it was a no go and a trip to the doctor got me 3-4 weeks of low impact workouts. Ugh but I still got by with doing some cross training workouts with my Nike Training Club app and bike riding. The problem with bike riding is I only have my husband's trail bike and it is just not the one. I'm trying to work with what I have for now and get a new bike for Christmas. That's the plan. And then I jacked up my hip somehow and that was fun  and now my shoulder. I think I slept on that wrong. My point is that the left side of my body is falling apart. I miss running though. We ran a 5k race on Saturday that we had signed up for before injuries occurred and that was fun. I ended up run/walking it because Bub came too and he complained to walk often enough. Probably was better that way because though my foot is better starting back with a straight 3 mile run would have maybe been a bit much. I coulda ran it though.

Anyway, I'm itching to get back to the running. Even though I'm still doing some workouts it doesn't feel like enough and I miss the high cardio of running and the feeling you get after. I miss the movement, the zen of running. I have a high marathon I want to train for at the end of the year. So right now I'm looking at other smaller races that I can do to help along with that goal. There's a 5 mile in October and a 7k in November and then the half in December. And as long as I can get back to running next week I should be good to go for all. I just have to listen to my body when it only has 4 and I've scheduled longer. That's what got me here in the first place.

A week without running

I got a new tattoo on my ankle on Friday last week. I'm very excited about it. It hurt like hell. You always forget how much is actually hurts but the pain goes away fairly quickly so I can live through 45 minutes. It is beautiful and I'm very happy with it.

Wait let me backtrack since I haven't written here in a while. About a year ago I wrote that I had started working out again. I didn't go into much detail and I haven't because I've been afraid that if I started writing about it then I would stop and I'd be a failure all over again. But for the most part I've stuck with it over this year. The last six months of 2015 I mostly stuck to my same old routine, indoor video workouts and that was fine. I lost a little weight and was feeling healthy and better about my body. But Christmas came and the same thing that always happens happened. I stopped. For about 6 weeks, I didn't do much of anything. I think I had gotten bored with the same old. But about mid-January I thought alright, let's do this again and after much discussion decided to do the Couch to 5K program. There were some logistics to work out but I started with just walking outside. I like to work up to things. I did that for a few weeks until I started to get antsy to start running and then I thought What the hell and started the program. I was trying to wait out until I was back from vacation but when it's time, it's time. Truth is it was brutal at first. But my husband was a cross country track star in high school and he gave me some pointers and I figured out my breathing was all wrong and had a lot to do with why I hated running so much. So I stuck with it and finished it which is really one of the prouder moments of my life. We did a "fun run" around my birthday and that really was fun and we are planning on a few more 5ks. Because, oh yeah, my running inspired my husband to get back to it! The amount of time we spend talking about running in my house is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure most people would be bored by our conversations. I digress. So the point is that I'm a runner now. I'm working my way up to a half marathon but am now running an 8k training program to move onto a 10k program to move on to a 13.1 program.

Back to the tattoo. Super excited, showing it off to family and friends and, as I'm talking to one of them and he mentions going to the gym, it dawns on me. I can't run with this while it's healing. Fuck. Not only that I can't do much of any outdoor activities or things that will make me sweat. Fuck fuck. Why it didn't occur to me before I'll never know. I knew no swimming. It's why I waited until after a trip to the beach to get it. But no bike riding. Part of running training is cross training, swimming/biking/etc. So all my cross training in the outdoors for what a Google search told me was at least 5 to 7 days was a no go. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm not going to mess up something permanently inked into my body in pursuit of something that honestly can hold off for a bit. I thought okay well I'll spend the week hitting my weaker areas like yoga and Pilates and do some exercise videos. But other than Sunday when I actually did Pilates I haven't been doing a good job. Somehow I can get up before dawn to run but can't make myself get up for yoga. Is a week off going to kill me? No. I feel lazy but other than that I'll be fine. Part of me worries that I'll never go back. But that part is stupid and should shut up. I really love running. I'm not the best but I'm getting better. I have a goal and a plan and I don't want to give it up. So I won't. Maybe a week without running will make me stronger. I guess we'll see the next time I get to lace up.

Pants on Fire

So I didn't follow through at all on the BEDN. Oh well. I didn't really try. That's okay. I'm trying out the motto "It is what it is." It seems applicable to so many things these days. The truth is I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety these days including having some panic attacks. This is a new thing for me. I've always been a worrier but never had such physical symptoms. Don't worry. I'm going to see a doctor next week. It could be related to the tinnitus I've been experiencing for the same amount of time or the tinnitus could be a result of the anxiety. I don't know. I'm working on it. I'm trying to figure out what the triggers are. Feelings of losing something seem to play a part in all of it. Lose of job and income or losing friends have become an general worry for me despite the fact that there is almost no need to worry about any of it. Whatever happens happens and all those clichés. So those are some of the things I didn't want to talk about before. I'm not one to open up about these types of things. It's not in my nature but it's nice to admit them in the open even to the 3 people that may or may not read this. It sucks in a way to need constant reassurance from others that they love me or need me or whatever. It feels needy. But I think everyone wants to hear it sometimes and sometimes you need it more than others. I told my friend, who is going through a rough time, the other day that she was awesome. She said that she hasn't been lately but I'm awesome for saying it. And I replied "We all have things. You just have one right now." It seems I'm having a thing right now too. But everything is going to be okay. I firmly believe that.

Good Habits

I started working out again a few weeks ago. But this is not really about that. Because the 5 people who read this are probably like same song, same verse. I've been through this before. I'm not saying it's going to stick. I'm not saying it won't. I just need to try. It seems to be going well though. MyFitnessPal and I are BFF now. My plan is not to change anything in this new routine until it actually is a routine. That's where I trip up most of the time.

Anyway. Bub woke up early the first day I started again, and asked if I was exercising. I thought, okay this is good. He can see me trying to create a good habit. After all, like it or not, pretty much everything I do is an example for my kids. Sometimes I get tired of being that example. I just want to eat 6 cupcakes and curse like a sailor. But choices and all that. I really want my daughter to see me creating this good habit too but I'm not going to wake her up at 5:30 in the morning. I'm not crazy.

He starts school tomorrow so our routine is going to revert back to that. So I have to see how it all works together. Still I am making no goals, no concrete promises to myself. I'm just going to try.

This is not a resolution

I decided not to make any resolutions this year related to health and/or weight loss. I don't need that kind of pressure anymore. But I would like to take up exercising again. It's something that has been in the back of my mind for a while now.

So the university rec center has started a promotion that if you take 20 classes in the next 4 weeks then you get a free t-shirt. This is something I could never hope to accomplish as that is one class everyday for 4 weeks and I don't have that kind of time. However one of my coworkers is highly motivated for this free t-shirt and so she is going for it. I, in turn, have become inspired to at least try the rec center once a week. So yesterday I went to the barre workout with her. I was nervous because while she is 27 and looks like a college student, I'm fairly certain no one is mistaking me for one. She assured me that the students don't care and they aren't going to judge me as the "old lady." And she was right. Mostly they were trying to keep up and figure out the moves same as me.

Mostly when I work out at home I do walking or aerobic workouts and nothing is ever strenuous because I'm a toe in the water kind of person. Not that the barre workout was strenuous. It just worked my muscles groups (my legs mostly) in a way that they are not use to. Which is good but also oww. It was a lot of ballet moves (as expected) with some push-ups throw in at the end. I enjoyed the class and was happy I went even if I'm sore today. I'm definitely going to try to go once a week while she is working on her t-shirt and maybe even after. I'm hoping that it motivates me to do some workouts at home. But mostly it was nice to 1. do something that did not involve my children and 2. do something just for me.

Still in the right direction

So we are at the beginning of April and I'm still walking and doing Weight Watchers. I feel like a pat on the back is in order. I'm losing weight very slowly at about a 1/2 a week. I know the desire to see a more rapid weight loss but I'm feeling like slow and steady is going to win this race. Having co-workers who want to walk is helpful as is meal planning. Meal planning is not one of my favorite things especially right now when the temptation is to grab something to go with all of the sports practices we have right now. But that's not good for anyone's health or my wallet. The weekly meal planning and grocery shopping is good though. I can plan healthy meals and, it's nice, every night to know what we are eating. And, yes, sometimes we have a frozen pizza but we are not eating out and that's a good thing.

It's frustrating sometimes to just not do everything I want to do or eat whatever I want. But it's not that I can't have fast food, in fact the other day I was tired and he had baseball practice so we got McDonald's. Not the best choice but sometimes I think it's okay. It's the all the time that matters. It's the all the time that is not okay. So it's a work in progress as are most things in life. And I'm trying to keep in mind that it's about the health and feeling better and maybe not so yucky that I'm looking for, the weight loss is a factor in that but it's not the complete endgame. The goal is good health.

The Walking Club

It's amazing that it's mid-February and I'm still working on this healthy goal. Amazing because there's always a good chance of me just quitting. I ended up joining Weight Watchers after all. I like their program even though I have to get use to this Points Plus thing. So I am once again learning how to eat healthy but, more than that, think about what I am eating and whether an entire chocolate bar is worth the points. Case in point, the other day BT bought mini chocolate donuts for dessert. But I only had a few points left. So I could have one mini donut or I could have some of the Ready to Go Sno-ball I bought the other day for the same amount of points. I went with the thing that gave me more for the same amount of points. I think that is what Weight Watchers teaches (or it should) more than anything. To think about what you are eating and make healthy choices. One day I won't even have to think about brown rice over white and I hope my kids will do the same. I'd like to teach them now about healthy choices so hopefully they won't have this struggle too. Because sure they are small now and a bit underweight (or at least him. She's got a pretty round little belly right now) but that might not always be the case.

And, in the second burst of healthy choices, I joined the university Walking Club. It's part of a study by one of the Allied Health professors but I thought it might be a good motivator. It's a 6 month study so I am obligated to do this walking thing 3 times a week at minimum for 6 months. We have to record our steps and send them in weekly. It hasn't been a full week yet but so far I've done alright. Two of my co-workers signed up and that is going to helpful. It always helps me to have someone telling me that we have to get up and walk around. So now I am a member of a walking club. Look at me, making good choices!

Seven times (The Healthy Goal)

How many times have I written this post? About being healthy, losing weight, doing something to feel better about me. I'm afraid, to be honest, that I will keep writing this post which means I will keep starting over rather than sticking to it. But I said that a goal of mine this year is to get healthy and part of that is losing weight and becoming more active. I was going to join Weight Watchers to start but if I'm being honest right now I don't want to spend that money. Can you put a price on your own health? No, but I can refrain from spending $50 right now that I could use for something else like dinner or gas or dentistry for my child. Instead I downloaded My Fitness Pal, a free app that lets put in your goals and keep track of all that you eat, drink, exercise, etc. You can put in how much weight you want to lose (1 lb a week for me) and it will calculate how many calories to consume in a day. It also factors in any exercise that you do. It reminds me of the Weight Watchers online but there are no points. Frankly I like points. It's easier for me to keep track of points in my head but until I decided to put down the money on that system, this will have to do. I decided to start on my first day back at work because I can only eat what I bring in contrast to being at home where I have all that food (haha like we have food in our house) available. So how's that working out? Not too bad. But it's only day 2 and I'm fighting the urge to be negative about the whole thing and just try.

I did get up yesterday and do a 30 minute walking workout video and I'm proud of that. I was going to get up again this morning for Pilates but last night was the coldest night we are probably going to have all year and I was loathed to drag myself out of my warm bed plus I somehow hurt my foot. But my plan is to definitely do cardio (like a walking video) at least 3 times a week and then intersperse Pilates or yoga in the days in between. If I don't do the Pilates or yoga then it's whatever because right now I'm viewing them as bonus and the cardio is really what I am looking for.

Right now I am cautiously hopeful about this whole thing. I went for a long time with excercising everyday and I know that I can do it again. I just have to believe in myself and get some stick-to-itness in my attitude

New Year Goals

Once again I am going to set goals rather than resolutions. I think my goals this year are going to look a lot like last years, only because they are basically life goals rather than yearly goals. It's things I strive to change daily, but I have a hard time.

1. I'd like to be a healthier version of me.  And a lot of that is losing weight, yes. I know it is the ultimate cliche at New Years to say you want to lose weight, but it is still true. This year I am going to join Weight Watchers as a sign of my commitment and to motivate me. If I am paying for something I am going to get all I can out of it. I just want my clothes to fit me again and to not feel gross about myself. So I am going to give it a go. Along with that is working out again and dragging my butt out of bed in the mornings to get it done. While I always think that being runner is really cool, I'm probably not going to that. I might attempt the C25K again but I am not committing to that. Rather I am going to try for 3-4 days of exercise and then healthy eating to go with it. I want to show my kids what the right lifestyle looks like and teach them. But mostly I want to do it for me.

2. I'd like to be on my phone/electronics less. I didn't do great with this last year. I am on the computer much less at home but not my phone. I am on my phone a lot. I need to just put it down and pay attention even if it is just to watch TV with my kids. Along with that is the resolution to make Bub get off his electronics too. He is taking cues from me and his dad about that and it needs to stop.
 
3. To have more family dinners. We use to do this everyday. But most nights it's just me and the kids and I have become very relaxed about eating dinner together and with the TV off. That's about to change. Some quiet family time for dinner and then homework and family time afterward, that's how we use to do it and we are going back to that.

The Second Day

I've been trying, mostly in vain, to get back into a workout routine pretty much since Button was born. Well, almost. And then I was going to start in earnest when Bub was out of school this summer and then again when he was back in school. My trouble is the second day. I've gotten up multiple times and done some sort of workout, usually a video, but I can't seem to follow through to a 2nd day. I'm not sure how to motivate myself. I mean, if the fact that my clothes don't fit anymore and I feel gross most of the time doesn't do it, then what will? I've gain some weight ever since Button weaned. I didn't realize what breastfeeding was keeping at bay until we stopped. And part of that is just readjusting my eating to sustain only me and not a baby too. That part I've worked out though I still am not making the best choices sometimes.

I would like to work out again. I always felt better about myself and my day when I did. It's just so freaking early in the morning. The only time I can do this is before everyone wakes up. I don't have the time after work though I suppose I could get my lazy butt up at break times at work and go walk around. I use to do that. The weather is super nice right now so it would be a good time. I just can't seem to get my motivation going these days and I'm not sure what to do about that.

Soda Pop

I've decided to give up soda. Again. I gave it up once when I was 16 and didn't drink it for 10 years or so. Well, total truth, I think I drank Sprite. Basically I gave up caffeinated sodas. I wasn't a fan of being addicted to something and once I realized that I was addicted to caffeine, I gave it up. I did so well for so long. And then I got pregnant and had a craving for Mr. Pibb. So I would have a small glass a day.  But later that lead to drinking it more and more. I've given it up off and on since then. But earlier this week I realized that 1. I don't need to be drinking as much soda as I do now and 2. It's too expensive to be buying it all the time. Right now I'm not thinking of giving up caffeine altogther or anything because that's crazy especially with the coffee and sweet tea that I love. I'm thinking I'm going to give up caffeinated sodas to start. It's seems reasonable and I need to get back to drinking more water anyway. If I slip and have one now and again no big deal but I don't want it to be a daily habit anymore. If I can't seem to get out of bed to exercise right now, then this is the something that I know I can do.

Up and at'em

So I did it. I dragged my lazy butt out of bed and once again started exercising again. I'm going to have to establish a new routine but this morning seemed to run fairly smoothly. I woke up, got dressed, nursed Button, did my workout and then got dressed for the day. I was a little late leaving the house but then when am I not? But I was still at work on time. Bub's new alarm clock helped though he turned it off and went back to bed. He told me that he wasn't ready to get out of bed. Well, buddy, me neither but here I am. Anyway. I really need to get up about 5 or 10 minutes before I did but I did 30 minutes of video and that's more than I've done in a while. So we will see. I really want to stick with it. I was doing so good for so long that I think I can do it again.

Here we go again

So I resolved to exercise more, specifically to do the Couch to 5K program. BT agreed to do it with me and as of today he has completed week 1. Meanwhile, I am, well, still on the couch. I had decided to start on Sunday but it is cold and wet outside and I'm a chicken. It's been a year since I have really worked out and I'm afraid to start with something so strenuous. So this morning when BT came back from his run I mentioned this to him. I think I am going to do the same indoor exercise videos I had been doing to get myself back up to speed and by the time I plateau with those videos it will be light enough outside for me to start running in the morning. Because the other issue I have to resolve is when to do it. Mornings are really the only time for me. Evenings when I get home are taken up with the feedings and homework and bath times and bedtimes. Plus I only have about 4 hours with my kids at night so I want to do things with them. But it's still dark in the mornings and while we live in a safe neighborhood I am still not comfortable running in the dark. It should be getting light out earlier soon so it makes sense for me to wait and in the meantime do something I am comfortable with in the house. I don't know if it will happen today but definitely in the morning. For sure this time.

21 days followup

So I wrote at length about my 21 days to form a healthy habit. I'm happy to say I stuck it out for the most part. And then I decided to take up running. Did that like twice and quit everything all together. It's too hot right now for outdoor activities at least for me. I'm going to try again in September. Anyway, I got sick around mid-July and I realized that I am pushing myself too far. Right now I'm trying to get up at 5 a.m., nurse the baby, pump, work out, and then get myself and Bub ready for the day. I think that is why I got sick and I realized as much as I want to be skinny, I need to stay healthy in order to take care of my kids and in order to work out. A sick mommy is nobody's friend. So I decided to take a couple of weeks off of working out, figure out how to get Button asleep earlier without a lot of drama, and get to a better rested place in my life. It looks like next week I'll be able to start again. Though weirdly enough I have lost a little weight since I started getting more rest.