Pregnant pause

Sunday night I dreamed I was pregnant and overdue and I was on the phone with the doctor trying to convince him to let me have the baby now. It was an oddly specific dream and I remember seeing Button playing by the couch and I wasn't sure how I managed to get so pregnant with a toddler. Now I am a big believer that dreams have meaning. Dreaming that you are pregnant means that "an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing." But I think it is more than that. Because my life is changing mostly through the absence of others.

It seems so many people in my life are moving away and getting new jobs and new lives. And, even though it doesn't have much to do with me, it means that things are changing. By the end of the month my sister will have moved away to Oklahoma and by the end of August BT's sister will be in Indiana. And it is breaking my heart a little though I'd never admit that face to face. I am sad to see them go. I am sad for that means for my kids who will now have no aunts or uncles in driving distance. I wish them all luck and hope they are happy with their new lives but still. So whether or not that respect growth or development for me personally I couldn't say, but it will change things. I got a taste of over Independence Day weekend when we visited BT's parents and it was just us and them. It's going to get some getting use to. Even though BT's sister stopped visiting us at our house long ago we use to see her whenever we visited their parents and that is mostly where we saw her daughter too. So it is going to be different.

My sister lived with our parents so I saw her a couple of times a week. She would take Bub out to do things with him and she was always around. So her move is going to impact more of my day to day life. But I don't want to talk about that right now.

One of the other changes coming is the addition of two new librarians at my library. New people are fun to get to know and I always have high hopes that we will get on. And I am friendly enough that we usually become friends or at least friendly. But the library I work in can be stressful and operates on a somewhat scattered management philosophy. I am excited to have new people and new ideas coming in. I just hope they are happy with their decision especially since both are fresh out of library school and this will be their first librarian job. Both are going to have a lot of pressure.

And the last big thing is my decision to get permanent birth control. I think this is the one that most directly relates to the pregnancy dream. I know 99.9% that I am done having kids. The thought of having another one is giant NO. And so I am going soon to take care of that forever hopefully. But it is a big decision and not one I came to lightly. I'll write more on it later. It's just weird for me because I know all these people at the beginning or in the middle of having kids and making family decisions and here I am at the end. I feel like I am just at such a different stage in my life in that regard.

Sweet Dreams

The other night I had a dream.  Maybe it was one long dream or just the same dream twice.  I'm not sure how that works.  But anyway.  The first dream had me and my sister-in-law's fiancé in New Orleans going to a dance class, but then we just ended up wandering around the city talking about life and their upcoming nuptials.  We were holding hands through part of it.  I remember because I was surprised.  Then I had the same dream again, same scenario and everything only my sister-in-law was the one I was with.  Same conversation, same hand holding, but she was a little girl.  It was so strange.

So onto the dream dictionary:

To dream that your own grown children are still very young, indicates that you still see them as young and dependent.
So she is not my own child, but I have known her since she was 12 and now she is almost 24 so that's half her life.  But she is getting married and growing up.

To dream that you are holding hands with someone, represent love, affection and your connection with that person. Your dream may also reflect anxieties about losing touch with him/her or that you are drifting apart.
True, true.  I do love them both very much and we have been hanging out more since she came home from grad school.  As for drifting apart, I don't know.  Maybe they will move away and we won't see them as much.  And I think part of this is the realization the other day that we have only seen our nephew like 3 or 4 times and I wish that we could see BT's brother and his family more.  And so I'm afraid that we won't see my sister-in-law and her husband much or something.

To dream that you are walking with ease, signifies a slow, but steady progress toward your goals. You are moving through life in a confident manner. Consider your destination.
They are moving towards their goal of getting married and becoming their own family.  I am moving toward the goal of completing my family when I have a second child.   I've sort of hinged my pregnancy timeline on their wedding.  Once it is over, then we are going to start trying for our next kid.

Interesting what dreams can reveal.

Weird dream

I had this weird dream last night where my mother-in-law was giving a party for my sister-in-law and her fiance, but they weren't there.  And I asked what kind of engagement party was it when the bride and groom aren't even there.  She said that is just a little something party (I don't know) and they didn't need to be there.
And then she offered to let me drive one of their cars home (which would never happen) and I refused so she cried.  And then the car ended up in the pool and the whole time I just keep moving through this party looking for someone, but I'm not sure who.
It was a pretty party though.

OK, so to search for someone in your dreams means anxiety about that person or relationship.  But I don't know who it was so I'm not sure what that means.  Maybe I am just anxious about relationships in general?

To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills. * It was a good party but I was very anxious the whole time which leads to To dream that you are experiencing some anxiety in some affair, is a reflection of what you may be feeling during your waking life. You may have repressed thoughts, unexpressed emotions, resentment, and hostility that are triggering your anxiety dream. This dream also denotes that you are disastrous mixing business with pleasure which is ... interesting.

I have no idea what the whole car thing means.

Feeling Dreams

You ever have a dream that when you wake up, you can still feel whatever just happened?  Once in high school, I dreamed I kissed this boy in my class and I could still feel that kiss for most of the day which was nice, frankly.  Last night/this morning, I dreamed some guy knocked my sunglasses off my face and the force of the motion woke me up.  That was less pleasant than the kiss.

Sad Dream

Last night I dreamt that BT had died (I don't remember how) and I was upset but keeping it together. But then one night I was watching TV with my friends and Bubs was playing and someone said something about sleeping with this guy and I said "I've only ever slept with BT" and I burst into tears because I wouldn't be able to do that again. And then I went to Bubs but he didn't really notice and no one knew what to do. Then it was the funeral and I told the boy to give Daddy a kiss and he did and I said say goodbye to Daddy and he said "Bye Daddy, S'morning" which means See you in the morning. Then we were leaving he said "I see Daddy" and I said he was gone now. And I woke up crying. It was so real.

Last night's dream

So here was my dream from last night. Before all this happened, there was something about a Disney Parade of Stars on TV and Miley Cyrus was riding on an elephant and singing and then my mom told me to go to work or something. So...

I was driving down the highway when I spotted a dead animal on the side of the road. It looked like a cat from far away but when I got close I saw that it was a lion cub. There is a zoo on that road so I was concerned. I got to my parent's property which looked nothing like my parent's real property and parked in this wooded area which apparently was adjacent to where I worked. So I was wearing a skirt and my espadrille wedges (I had a shirt on too). And there was a big rock and the path that went through the rock was overgrown and gross so I went around it and walked through till it became a wooded area and there was a lion doing something. When I saw it I stopped because I was scared but I scared the lion so it ran off. Then I was concerned because I saw a gorilla over by the pond and didn't know if all the animals had escaped the zoo or something. So I got out my cell phone and called animal services. As I was doing this, I kept walking and walked out between two high rises. The lady on the phone understood what I was trying to say and believed me about the lion and the lion cub and the gorilla. So while I was talking to her this guy came up and started trying to talk to me but I waved him away and told him "See this. It is a phone and I am on it. GO AWAY!" so he left. And then Lindsay Lohan, who had apparently saw all this, walked up and told me it was awesome how I got rid of that guy.