Just keep swimming

So I went to swim class. I've been twice at this point now. The first time, last Wednesday, I was super nervous but I drove over there anyway. The pool they are using in the winter is pretty far from my house. The coach is extremely nice and I think if I set a goal she will get me there. So far she's taught me how to breath plus the rhythm of swimming and the correct form. I think I'm going to like it. Swimming feels nice and it's fun learning something new. Although as I'm crawling along last night trying to piece it all together, I thought man, if my (former) swimmer brother-in-law and triathlete sister-in-law could see me, they would just laugh. After practice yesterday I had a little conversation with a few of the other ladies and one asked how I liked it. I told her swimming is hard but I think I'm going to like it. Another one replied that Coach is good and she'll push you to your goals which is exactly what I need although I don't really have a goal right now with swimming. Mostly I just want to learn something new. Mostly I want to do a low impact cross training. And I want to be fit and in shape. But you never know one day I may have a swimming goal. Never say never anymore.

I have had this thought for a while. When I started all of this, my son has just turned 9 and my daughter was about to be 4. Now in his lifetime he's seen me exercise on and off but never with the dedication I've shown in the past year. I was never a runner, never a swimmer. I did 30 minutes 3 times a week of workout videos and that was it. And there was nothing wrong with that. But it didn't bring much satisfaction and it didn't last long. But this is different somehow. Somehow the running flipped a switch I didn't know I had and the results of that make me keep going back. It's nice in a way that my daughter won't remember the old me. When she grows up she'll just remember that her mom ran in races, that her mom is an athlete and she won't know that I wasn't for a very long time. But honestly I don't do these things for anyone else. I'm not trying to be an example or teach them any kind of lesson. I think the minute I tried I would fail. Because this is for me. It has to be. I need something that is just mine, especially now with everything that is going on. But if the end result is that my kids see me doing something new, being brave and learning. If my daughter thinks I've always been athletic. If they feel inspired to do the same. Then I count that as a good by-product of all of this. I know I am an example whether I intend to be or not. I'm happy that I'm a good example just not to them but to myself.

Bravery

At the end of every year a friend of mine asks on Facebook what your word for the year is going to be? In the past I've chosen words at the beginning of the year only to find at the end of the year there is a theme but maybe not based on the word I've chosen. I don't know what I would have chosen in January 2016 but I think the word I walked away with in December was "grateful." Because I learned the hard way about taking things for granted and for not appreciating the simple motion of life.

So do I pick a word for 2017? I don't have any real goals or resolutions. The health goal that everyone inevitably picks is pretty much taken care of for me. I run 3 or 4 times a week and do cross training exercises at least 3 days. We eat healthy and have significantly cut out processed foods. We could cut down on electronics but I'm not worried about that. I think I learned last year that you can't predict what can happen in a year and I'm not comfortable making a long-term goal. Sure there's a race I'd like to do at the end of the year and a vacation to go on this summer but mentally I'm not going to deal with those things until I need to. I think because I don't know how BT will be in a month, much less 6 months, I don't feel like I can go too far into the future. I'm very much in a "here and now" state of mind. Do what needs to be done now.

That being said, I would like to learn new things this year. Last year I hurt my foot and spent 3 weeks not being able to run. I did other work outs, usually taking BT's trail bike out or doing workouts from the Nike Training Club app. I like cycling but I hate that trail bike. It's heavy and not fitted for me. I wanted to buy myself a proper bike with Christmas money but I needed new running shoes and then a new phone so that was the majority of the money I got. So the dream of a new bike is on hold for now. Anyway, one of the things that I wanted to do when I couldn't run was take swim lessons. I can swim in the sense that I had 5 years of swim lessons as a kid and can keep myself afloat and alive. But I'm not a good swimmer or a strong swimmer and I'd like to learn how. I looked into it at the time but BT was still working and it was about the time things started to fall apart so I never went. But now I want to. Swimming is excellent cross training for runners. It's low impact and would, I think, help me with the last 25 pounds I want to lose. Yes, I know #strongnotskinny and the scale doesn't matter blah blah blah. But still I have extra weight that needs to go and swimming is excellent for achieving a leaner body.

The problem is all mental. I am painfully shy and introverted. I hate new situations and doing new things in front of people who know what they are doing. I am very afraid of embarrassing myself. I know the truth is that no one cares. That everyone started somewhere. My first 5k took me 38:36 with a pace of 12'23" and now my personal best is 33:37 with a pace of 10'49". Still "slow" but I'm getting stronger and faster and honestly my only goal is to run a 10 minute miles someday. You improve as you go. That's how these things work. So I know intellectually that my fears are unfounded. I'm not going to be judged on not being good at something that I am admittedly not good at. That's why I need lessons and why I want to learn. I was thinking the other day that I will be 39 in a few months and how do I want to spend my last year in my 30's? I want to learn new things. I want to try new things. I can't take anything for granted anymore so I want to do it all. I want to help BT live his best life now and live mine too. We have a finite amount of time together and I want us to enjoy as many moments as we can.

So Bravery is the word I would pick. It's going to be a year of hard things. Hell, it's going to be a life of really hard things from here on out. And I want to brave for all that is to come. And it's a tiny thing in the face of an overwhelming illness like ALS but I want to take a step forward and do something new just for me just right now.

Grateful and thankful

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down

No, I think that sets the wrong tone. But really this is the story of how I learned to be grateful, why I am feeling particularly blessed, and how I figured out that even in the face of tragedy, especially in the face of personal tragedy, you can find a special kind of happiness.

It's a longer story of how he ended up there but the short version is that summer 2016 BT ended up a neurologist who sent him for extensive MRIs for a series of symptoms he had been presenting: uncontrollable muscle twitchings (fasciculations), balance issues, progressive muscle weakness. If you google these things together, ALS is one of the worst case scenario diseases that come up. But it's never the worst case scenario which is what I told him when he would bring it up. Parkinson's, maybe MS but ALS is terminal and it's never the worst case scenario anyway. But it was. Because of course it was. I didn't go to the doctor with him to hear the results. But when he called me to tell me I assure you, I did not comprehend everything he was saying. One of my friends knew that the results were coming in that day because I had been jumpy all afternoon and he happened to call right when I got off the phone with BT. I remember just sobbing into the phone and him telling me to get it together because I could not do that in front of the kids and I said "This moment, right here, this is when I get to fall apart. Because when I walk into that house I know I cannot do this. But I can right now. This is my moment to do this." And I did. I will forever to be grateful that I had someone who calmly listened to me fall apart and talk me through one of the worst moments of my life.  But then I lost it completely when I told my mom in the garage. The simple act of telling people this kind of news becomes easy but it also chips away at you. I don't know how much I've lost of myself in relaying the news over and over.

He was sent to Baylor for a second opinion. In between, we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary bringing our total number of years together to 18 thus far. Between the two appointments I was working the reference desk and a student came to ask me for help. Noticing my wedding ring he asked how long  I had been married.

Me: It's funny you ask. It will be 12 years next week.
Student: Wow, 12 years that is so long. You never hear that anymore.
Me: Yes, 18 years all in all.
Student: That is so amazing.
Me; Yes, I have been very blessed.

 Something in that conversation was a revelation to me. I had spent the better part of the two weeks since the initial diagnosis crying and bemoaning the circumstances but this brought home the fact that I had been very lucky. I don't believe in soulmates but I would say that BT was made for me. We're just a match. And it hasn't always been easy and we haven't always gotten along but I think we were just meant to be together. And to be maudlin, if we only have 20 years together, then there is no better way I would spend those 20 years.

So the diagnosis was confirmed thus ending everyone's hope that it was maybe something else. He couldn't go to work anymore and had to learn how to stay home which was not easy for the hard worker that he is. There was more falling, more muscle weakness, physical therapy, and foot brace. It felt like something new and something worse everyday. I had a moment when I thought maybe he was at a plateau and maybe it wouldn't get any worse and we could deal with this and then something happened, a fall or his left leg started to feel weaker or something and I knew I could not believe in a miracle. That it would crush me and I'd never recover if I believed and that miracle never came. Acceptance is not resignation though. I just know that I have to do what needs to be done and I want to make sure he lives his best life. And the miracle will come whether I believe or not. Because that's what makes them miracles. But I know for a fact that I am extremely lucky and so very blessed. And what gets weighed down in everyday life and gets taken for grant is so crystal clear to me right now. I could write a million words on how horrible this is and why everything sucks and why why why. On the future that has been lost and replaced with the likelihood and terribleness of being a young widow with two kids. I don't look into the future so much anymore. I couldn't even begin to plan it and it doesn't look like I want it to so I try to stay right where I am. To do what needs to be done now. To enjoy every moment. To be grateful and thankful for everything I have. That is the best place to be right now.

On Tuesdays we (use to) run

Apparently when I can't run I blog about not running.

 I'm back on a running hiatus of sorts. A few weeks ago, I hurt my foot (plantar fasciitis) after achieving a 5 mile run. I really only had 4 miles in me but I pushed through and was super proud of myself but that extra mile cost me 3 weeks of running so it probably wasn't worth it. I tried, like most runners, to just push through the pain but it was a no go and a trip to the doctor got me 3-4 weeks of low impact workouts. Ugh but I still got by with doing some cross training workouts with my Nike Training Club app and bike riding. The problem with bike riding is I only have my husband's trail bike and it is just not the one. I'm trying to work with what I have for now and get a new bike for Christmas. That's the plan. And then I jacked up my hip somehow and that was fun  and now my shoulder. I think I slept on that wrong. My point is that the left side of my body is falling apart. I miss running though. We ran a 5k race on Saturday that we had signed up for before injuries occurred and that was fun. I ended up run/walking it because Bub came too and he complained to walk often enough. Probably was better that way because though my foot is better starting back with a straight 3 mile run would have maybe been a bit much. I coulda ran it though.

Anyway, I'm itching to get back to the running. Even though I'm still doing some workouts it doesn't feel like enough and I miss the high cardio of running and the feeling you get after. I miss the movement, the zen of running. I have a high marathon I want to train for at the end of the year. So right now I'm looking at other smaller races that I can do to help along with that goal. There's a 5 mile in October and a 7k in November and then the half in December. And as long as I can get back to running next week I should be good to go for all. I just have to listen to my body when it only has 4 and I've scheduled longer. That's what got me here in the first place.

A week without running

I got a new tattoo on my ankle on Friday last week. I'm very excited about it. It hurt like hell. You always forget how much is actually hurts but the pain goes away fairly quickly so I can live through 45 minutes. It is beautiful and I'm very happy with it.

Wait let me backtrack since I haven't written here in a while. About a year ago I wrote that I had started working out again. I didn't go into much detail and I haven't because I've been afraid that if I started writing about it then I would stop and I'd be a failure all over again. But for the most part I've stuck with it over this year. The last six months of 2015 I mostly stuck to my same old routine, indoor video workouts and that was fine. I lost a little weight and was feeling healthy and better about my body. But Christmas came and the same thing that always happens happened. I stopped. For about 6 weeks, I didn't do much of anything. I think I had gotten bored with the same old. But about mid-January I thought alright, let's do this again and after much discussion decided to do the Couch to 5K program. There were some logistics to work out but I started with just walking outside. I like to work up to things. I did that for a few weeks until I started to get antsy to start running and then I thought What the hell and started the program. I was trying to wait out until I was back from vacation but when it's time, it's time. Truth is it was brutal at first. But my husband was a cross country track star in high school and he gave me some pointers and I figured out my breathing was all wrong and had a lot to do with why I hated running so much. So I stuck with it and finished it which is really one of the prouder moments of my life. We did a "fun run" around my birthday and that really was fun and we are planning on a few more 5ks. Because, oh yeah, my running inspired my husband to get back to it! The amount of time we spend talking about running in my house is ridiculous. I'm pretty sure most people would be bored by our conversations. I digress. So the point is that I'm a runner now. I'm working my way up to a half marathon but am now running an 8k training program to move onto a 10k program to move on to a 13.1 program.

Back to the tattoo. Super excited, showing it off to family and friends and, as I'm talking to one of them and he mentions going to the gym, it dawns on me. I can't run with this while it's healing. Fuck. Not only that I can't do much of any outdoor activities or things that will make me sweat. Fuck fuck. Why it didn't occur to me before I'll never know. I knew no swimming. It's why I waited until after a trip to the beach to get it. But no bike riding. Part of running training is cross training, swimming/biking/etc. So all my cross training in the outdoors for what a Google search told me was at least 5 to 7 days was a no go. Fuck fuck fuck. I'm not going to mess up something permanently inked into my body in pursuit of something that honestly can hold off for a bit. I thought okay well I'll spend the week hitting my weaker areas like yoga and Pilates and do some exercise videos. But other than Sunday when I actually did Pilates I haven't been doing a good job. Somehow I can get up before dawn to run but can't make myself get up for yoga. Is a week off going to kill me? No. I feel lazy but other than that I'll be fine. Part of me worries that I'll never go back. But that part is stupid and should shut up. I really love running. I'm not the best but I'm getting better. I have a goal and a plan and I don't want to give it up. So I won't. Maybe a week without running will make me stronger. I guess we'll see the next time I get to lace up.