Never not training

So 2 years ago I took up running with Couch to 5k and I’ve done quite a few races; 5ks, 10ks, half marathons as well as 3 super sprint triathlons. I have 1 more of the latter next month and then a sprint tri in October and then I am done for the year. It’ll be weird to be done with the race season so early but I made the decision in March that I was done with long distance running for a while. My last 2 half marathons were torturous at best and I realized I preferred mid distance so 10ks mainly. So I may try to pick up one of those. Anyway. My training this year has felt fairly relaxed. I went hard for so long but I gave myself a break for the most part this year. I’ll have to pick it back up for the sprint since that is going to be longer and my first open water swim. I will admit that there is also something lacking in my training. It’s like the challenge has gone out. I’m not motivated to push for longer distance though I have resolved to do a full marathon at least once after my 42nd birthday. So I bought myself 2 years on that. So what do I strive for? I wish I knew the answer. I do know that I refuse to give up. I never want the day to come where someone says “Do you remember the time you were a runner?” I want it to be “Do you remember when you started running and never looked back?”

I do work hard at being injury free. I’ve found that not running back to back days helps. That the swimming and cycling help. One of the things that has been good is adding strength training but that is one of the areas that I need the most guidance and help.  So I guess there is a challenge.

All this training is interesting in a way. I leaned into it hard as a coping mechanism for my husband’s illness. And not to say that I don’t anymore but that I don’t need it quite like that anymore. I escaped into it but now it’s less of an escape and more of a routine. And I am very attached to my routines. That has become more coping strategy these days though not necessarily a good one since flexibility is becoming more important as time moves on. But exercise and time to maintain a healthy body is necessary for a healthy mindset.

(And if anyone is interested, my instagram is primarily sports related if you want to follow along.)

Where to begin (again)

I started to make a whole new blog dedicated to being a caregiver but the truth is part of me is afraid of placing too much identity into being BT’s caregiver. Truthfully I look for ways to maintain my own individual identity. Yes I am a wife and yes I am a mother and those belong to me but also as me being a part of another.  One of the things that has become clearer to me is the need to have my own identity because one day I’ll be on my own. I decided in the end to start writing here again since this is my personal life blog so there will probably be posts about what is like to care for someone with a progressive degenerative disease. But also about coping and sports and the things I do.

The truth is that life is hard for everyone. I believe in the universal struggle for most people, to be happy, to be loved, to find fulfillment. So I never believe that we are alone or that the thing we face is unique. But it is difficult and a bit unusual.

So since October 2016 when my husband at 38 years old, was diagnosed with ALS, he has gone from being a runner to being mostly wheelchair bound in the short time of his diagnosis. I’m not a doctor but this is an alarming rate to me. And in the meantime I’ve picked up so much of the slack but more than that I’ve gained another person to care for beyond our 2 children. My experiences as a caregiver are not unique but as we are well below the average age for an ALS diagnosis it’s been hard for me to find someone relatable.

Writing about it seems cathartic if I’m being honest though the details may seem uninteresting maybe to most. It’s been hard and continues to get harder. I don’t look to the future much anymore. My motto is Run the mile you are in. I try my best to follow that.

Do or do not. There is no try.

So I have a second super sprint triathlon this coming weekend. If you don't know what that is, triathlons come in different lengths and a super sprint is the shortest they come. So this one is a 200 meter swim, 8 mile bike, 2 mile run. I've been training for it, probably more than completely necessary but really mostly for the fitness level. I could probably do a sprint pretty easily at this point (1/2 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 3.11 mile run) but I think I'm going to hold off on that length until next year. Something to strive for and give me a reason to get back to triathlon next year. I'm thinking next year and maybe the year after for sprints and then if I'm still up for it I can go for an Olympic.

When I first started running I did the Couch to 5k thing so the first race I ran was, naturally, a 5k. After that I decided to work my way up the ladder, so to speak. So I got a 10k plan and worked through that and then a 15k plan and worked through that. And what ended up happening was I ran a lot of 2 mile runs. I got a really good at running 2 miles without stopping and honestly I think having that base has helped me in so many ways. Because I know 100% that 2 miles is that not that far. And the 3 miles is just one more beyond that. And I break down a 10k and half marathon the same way. So I'm approaching triathlon in a similar way. I can do a super sprint fairly easily and once I'm good at that then I can move up my distances but with having a decent base to start, it makes it easier for  my mind set.

Once this tri is over, then my triathlon season for the year is over. I had initially planned on doing a sprint in October but the timing is wrong and I'd like to have a bigger goal for next year anyway.  I'm going back to running as my main sport but with at least one bike and one swim a week for cross training and conditioning. Now my goal is to train for speed and endurance for a 10k, the longest race I plan on having for the rest of the year. I'd like to run the 10k without stopping and run it faster than I have been able to go lately. So we'll see. I'm going to pick out a plan and get started on that as soon as this triathlon is over. I'm anxious for some reason to get started on that and get running more.

The art of giving up (and then not)

I have a few people tell me lately that I'm an inspiration. I don't especially feel like an inspiration. I'm just doing what I do. Most of the time lately I just feel tired. Mentally I have a lot going on and I'm on a break with most things right now trying to figure myself out. It can be a lot and I'll complain sometimes about the ALS and what it's doing but I try not to. People tell me I have every right but I don't think I do. It's not happening directly to me though I do have a one-on-one relationship with it. I likened it to when you are driving and you see an storm coming up and you just know that you are about to get slammed. I can see the storm. I can't avoid it. I just don't know how far away it is or how fast I am going towards it. And, yes, it is directly happening to my husband but once we really get in the thick of it, so much will be up to me. Just how the morning routine will change alone is enough for me to know how much will be up to me. I'm not good with change. I tend to be slow to accept it. I try to make the same as it always was but that's not healthy. That's not how life works.

So I'm on autopilot a lot. This is how the morning goes, this is how the day goes, the evening, etc and very often lately I'm not reacting well to any changes in those routines. I'm making it harder than it needs to be but I just keep wishing everything was the same. And it's not and never will be.

I did a second half marathon a few weeks ago. I beat my first time by 5 minutes and felt really good about the whole race. My goal one day is to do a half without any walking. I did 12:1 ratios and then mini stops at the water stations. Next time I'm going to try just stopping at the water stations and see how that goes. I have a thankfully shorter 10k in April that I'm racing for Team Gleason and then no real race plans for a while. I know of a few in the fall I want to do but no distances decided yet. Well except there is a run-paddle duathlon that I desperately want to do. Anyway, I took a week off of running because I was trying to avoid burnout and did other workouts instead. I got a new bike that I love but I hadn't had time for and then there was swimming. I also thought it would be fun to do a spin class. And that fucked me up. I'm not sure what happened but when I tried to go out on Sunday that run turned painful about half way through the 3 miles. I finished it out but it was rough and now I'm scared. Tuesday I started to have a mini nervous breakdown about life frankly. It was pretty bad. And one of the things I keep saying is that I'm just going to give it all up. Forget running or triathlons or swimming or any of that. I won't do it anymore. I just wanted to quit. So much for being someone's inspiration. But I stayed home on Wednesday for a mental health day and somewhere in the morning decided to take my bike out. When I got home, I told BT that I really like exercising. I like the accomplishment and how I feel and I look. And he rolled his eyes and said he already knew that and that he wasn't surprised. I'm still scared to run. I'm planning on trying with a 2 mile when I get home. I haven't been to swim all week but I'll go tomorrow. But I did ride my bike a few times this week and keep it fairly easy actually. I skipped all strength training and have been just laid back. I pile things on things and sometimes I have to just stop. I'm pretty sure Ferris Bueller says it best. I have to readjust how I feel about things and about how I take them in. And though I feel selfish, I have to do things for me. That's how life works.

Selfish

I can't stop getting sick it seems. I honestly can't remember the last time this happened but January came at me hard and it's continued into February. As I'm typing this I feel so horrible. I had a viral infection that turned into a sinus infection and then I got better. Or so I thought. Because I'm back down with a monster cold and I've pretty much stopped any hard core cardio. The internet tells me I can run with a cold but my body says no, don't do it. And frankly since I'm not an elite athlete, I think I can take the time off. I'm probably going to skip my long run on Sunday which makes me feel super guilty but I have got to get well. I'm a little worried about the half marathon I have in March but I'll manage and probably only train up to 11 miles but it's fine. I have so many other responsibilities beyond running that I need to be well for those things over anything else.

Somewhere I decided that this was going to be year of bravery, a year of learning and trying new things. I think I hold myself back and I don't want that anymore. A lesson that has come from my husband's terminal illness is that I don't want either of us to die saying "I should have." I want us to have lived our best life. And some of that is together and some of that is apart. I have a bucket list of things I want to do with him. I want to look back and say we made the most of our time together. I want to have no regrets that I didn't try to maximize our time together. I told a few people the other week that I feel sorry for anyone who has to say at his funeral that they wish they had come visited more or that they wished they had done X,Y, or Z. Because the opportunity is here and now and there is no reason to not take advantage. I won't be one of those people. I know that 100%.

But beyond my husband is me. I feel like this need to try new things is my way of maximizing the time I have where I don't have to be his caregiver all of the time. One day I know things will be harder. He will need more care and time. The things he does now like cooking dinner every night he won't be able to do anymore. So in a way I'm taking advantage of the stage he is in now to fulfill my own personal bucket list. Swimming was a start and I'm so happy I started that even if it is part of the reason I am sick now. I've added kayaking and spinning and baking to my list. There may be a run-kayak duathlon at the end of the year I'd like to do. I'm taking a spin class next week and one day I'd like to sign up for a cake decorating class. It seems this year's mantra is Why not? All the excuses have gone away. Here and now because the future is so unpredictable.

But this newfound bravery does leave me with the feeling of being selfish. A part of me feels like I should dedicate all my time to my family and to my husband. I'm mean he's sick, like really sick and I don't know how long I'll have him like he is now or just how long I'll have him. Am I really maximizing our time when I go off to swim for a couple of hours a week? Shouldn't I be with him watching the kids and making sure everyone is okay? Everything I've read on caregiving says that the caregiver has to take care of themselves first. Because it is a hard thing to do and also very easy to get lost in the process and I don't want that. But I don't want to be negligent either. Running is easier in a way. I can just lace up and go run outside. I don't have to do races or anything that would pull too much time though I'd like to continue and I don't think it will be a problem. Anything I have to drive to seems like I'm asking a lot. I don't know why. But there has to be a balance somewhere, right? I wonder how other spouses or caregivers handle these types of things. BT doesn't mind me going. He understands my reasons why. It's all an internal struggle that makes me feel like choosing myself is somehow not choosing him or them. And that's not the case at all. I just don't want to come to the end of my life and say "I wish I had." I want to say "I'm glad I did."