Tuesday, October 30, 2012

A loss is a loss no matter how small

For my first pregnancy I found out at 8 weeks I was pregnant with twins. It was an incredibly exciting, scary, fun thing to find out. I had an early ultrasound to date the pregnancy and there on the screen were two little blobs with two strong heartbeats around 150/155. My mom was with me because BT couldn't make it. I was suppose to go straight back to work but I drove across town and threw the ultrasound photo on the counter at his work. He was shocked and excited. We called everyone. Everyone was thrilled. Twins!

We got a pregnancy book on twins. And in the book it mentioned Vanishing Twin Syndrome, when one fetus doesn't make it and suddenly "disappears" or is miscarried and reabsorbed. Suddenly I was afraid and obsessed with this. They both had good heartbeats so BT keep reassuring me. But at 10 weeks one day I was spotting and cramping lightly. This is often normal in pregnancy but I worried. We went out of town for the weekend and when we came back it had continued so I called the doctor and went in for an ultrasound to check. I called BT to go but it took him too long to come so I did the ultrasound alone. There was one strong heartbeat but two blobs still on the screen. One was gone. I cried so hard. I apologized. I was just so so sorry. It was nobody's fault and no way to prevent it. It didn't make it any easier.

So I went home. BT called our moms. I tried to tell my mom but there was no way. I stayed home an extra day. It should have been longer but I still had one to take care of, one that I would have to go on maternity leave for later. Everyone was sorry for me but still the circulation supervisor said the stupidest thing. She said she was sorry but at least I still had one. It's true that I was lucky to still have one baby. Maybe I was being greedy but I wanted them both. Maybe that's just not something you say to someone who has just experienced a loss.

I still think about this from time to time. I look at Bub and I think that there could have been two of him. I think I'm the only one who remembers the little lost twin. Most days I do feel lucky. I have a beautiful healthy boy. If I had twins, I never would have gotten Button. Things work out how that should. It doesn't make it less painful at the time. While I've never experience a total miscarriage, I can say that it is hard to lose that potential, that hope for the future. Loss is hard in any form, even when it is a small one.

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