Monday, December 31, 2012

One word

An acquaintance does this thing called One Word where you choose a word and try to embody that word in your daily life. For example she chose "consistency" for her word last year. I didn't consciously chose a word last year but I would say my word ended up being "appreciate." I've spent the past year learning to appreciate the small moments in life that make it worth living instead of just looking for the big moments. Things like snuggling in bed with my kids or holding Bub's hand in the parking lot or baking cookies with him or seeing Button wrestle her stuffed bear. Small things that I'm afraid I will forget about them or in life in general. So many small memories get pushed aside for larger ones but it's the small ones that make up a worthwhile life, a happy life. I would say that this year I've really begun living in the small moments and appreciating them more.

This year I think I will chose the word "optimism" but I'm not sure if that is right word. What I want to do is feel good about things I have in my life, not just appreciate the fact that I have a job and a house but feel good about my just okay job and my most of the time dirty house. That I can't change anyone I work with but myself. This is a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again because when I don't agree with decision made I tend to rage and get upset about them. But it's really not worth it. I work with some who spend most of their time angry at the senior librarians and their decisions. I don't want to be that person. I've been that person before and I'd rather just be content with what I have. Even when I don't agree with things, I know I won't change them and so I need to not only accept them but to embrace the good things at my job.

On a personal level, most of my home life is fine. There are frustrations as there are with everything but for the most part it is fine. The dogs drive me crazy and the house is always dirty and I can't seem to find the time to do the things that I want to do. But none of that is do or die. Maybe instead of expecting help and forethought from my family I should just accept that they do what they do and just do what I do and called it good. For right now with the jobs that we work and the age of our kids, this might be the best we can do for now.

So maybe the word I am searching for is not "optimism" but "contentment." But not acceptance is a defeatist way but in an optimistic way. Like things are going to be alright just the way they are.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

And then we had everything

So six years ago I did one of the most amazing things I've ever done in my life and gave birth to my beautiful and sweet boy. It's hard to believe he is already six whole years. It went by too fast. Now he is not my baby but a big boy. I thought I'd share his birth story for his birthday today. When I was pregnant and ladies would tell me their birthing stories, I did wonder why so many mothers like to tell their stories, but once I had him I realized it's because you have done something extraordinary.  You have carried and birthed a whole other human person.  A real live human has just emerged from your body, which seems so crazy that it is amazing.

So here is that the story of me and a boy and what it took to get him out into the world.

He was one week late. I worked up to my due date which was on a Friday but that last week I only did half days because I couldn't stand to be at work longer. I remember working on my due date and someone asked when I was due. I growled at them "Today!"  and then they went away and left me alone. I think I scared them. I had a week off before he came which was just completely awesome in retrospect but at the time I just wanted him to come out. I played video games while bouncing on my birthing ball. When I laid down and put the controller on my stomach he kicked it off. We had a lot of fun with that.

Anyway.

On the Wednesday after my due date I went to the doctor and we scheduled an induction for the following Friday. It was nice to finally have a real date of arrival. We went in on Thursday night at 7. It was suppose to be 6 but I got confused so we were late. We did all the check-in stuff and they showed me to my room. Around 9, they put in a half a pill to soften my cervix because I was 0% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. Contractions started faintly after this. Around midnight or so they put in the other half and started the Pitocin drip. This may be when the nurse broke my water. Details start to get fuzzy around this time. Contractions began to get strong. I really wanted a natural birth so I walked around trying to get through it. At some point I asked for a pain killer to take away some of the pain. I got a little sleep. Later I had it again but it begins to lose its effectiveness after the first time so it didn't help as much. My contractions never evened out. They are suppose to come in waves with a valley and a peak. I never really got to the valley. I was constantly contracting though never "big" ones. I never got a break. The baby's heartbeat was up and down. Sometime in the afternoon, I told the nurse that an epidural would be good. She agreed and so the anesthesiologist came in to administer it. BT got to stay in the room with me which was good. I'm not a huge fan of needles but when you are in that much pain you really don't care.

So blessedly, and finally, relief came and I got some sleep. Meanwhile Bub's heartbeat was still erratic and he couldn't seem to drop down into my pelvis. They put a fetal scalp electrode on him. Basically he couldn't get out and my body wasn't helping. In the end I never dilated past 6 cm. He was in distress. The doctor came in and called for a c-section. I was relieved. I was pretty much just done by then. The anesthesiologist came in and administered a second epidural to prepare me for surgery. I was shaking and shivering from it. So into the OR we went, BT coming a little later. I remember saying I couldn't breathe so they gave me oxygen. I'm pretty sure this was from the blood pressure drop that comes from an epidural. It didn't take them long to get the baby out. Maybe 10 minutes after I got in. I think it was a little more serious than I thought at the time. So out he came crying. He didn't cry long. There was too much to see. He was born nosy. I cried when I heard him. I kept asking how was he? BT said he was beautiful. And he was.

He went to the nursery. They finished my surgery. I fell asleep. Morphine is a wonderful thing. Later they bought my lovely boy to me. It wasn't the birthing experience I had pictured in my head. But it was the little boy I'd been hoping for and, in the end, I think that is what matters.