A welcome respite

It's Spring Break and my kids and husband have gone to his parent's house for the week. I only asked for the kids to go since they haven't been to their grandparents' house since last summer. But BT decided to go along too. It's hard to say if he'll get to go back. His mobility is severely limited at this point and he'll need a lift soon for bathing and dressing. He can barely stand at this point, can only walk a few steps holding onto a bar. He has trouble feeding himself and his swallowing and breathing have been deeply effected. So things are not going well. I have to bathe him and dress him and more and more feed him. He needs a daily caregiver since I have to work and I am trying to get him one. But as for now he is home alone a lot and it is worrisome. So it's good that he went to his parent's. I think the change of scenery and the opportunity to go to their house was a good one to seize.

Personally it is a good moment for me as well. Caregiving takes a toll on me. It's weird because I don't devote all my time to him as it is. I still do my workouts and runs and take that time. But when I am home there's always something to do for someone. I realized that the first night they were gone. Not having to cook supper for the family and clean it up and clean up after other people. Not having to feed someone or watch them struggle to feed themselves. Not having to bathe or dress or put someone else to bed or the constant constant need for me provide assistance and get things. The realization that this will never go away as long as BT is alive. It will only get worse and more and more. So time like this is necessary for me. It also makes me realize more what things have become now. What kind of life we live now. I'll be honest. It sucks. It sucks so much. I saw a thing on Twitter about the privilege being a caregiver and I just don't feel that way. And that makes me feel bad. Like I should be better about it. A better person. It's not that I don't try my best and do what needs to be done. It's just that I am overwhelmed easily by caring for all three of them especially given that one of them was suppose to be my helpmate and help care for our children and now he needs the most care of them all. But they will still manage to stack up on me because they are still children and still need their mother.

So it's a welcome respite for me right now. But a double edge sword all the same. I'm just trying to enjoy it though and take it in one day at at time which is how I try to live my life anyway.