On why I'll probably never be a SAHM

A conversation with my mom lead to her saying that if BT made X amount of money I could quit my job and be a stay at home mom. At that moment I realized I don't want to do that. Shocking, I know. It's not that I like being apart from my kids. It's just that Bub is at school all day anyway. And Button, well, as much as I dislike daycare I know that in a couple years she will be going to school too. So yes, it would be nice to stay home with her in the meantime, but at around 3 I will want her to start some kind of preschool and then hopefully at 4 she can get into public school preschool at her brother's school. And then I would want to go back to work. I don't love my current job 100% but I am comfortable here and I am finally in a good place with my staff and my work. I worked so hard for so long to get us where we are now too. I feel like I've found my niche in the academic library setting like I belong here. So if I left for say, what a year and half, I don't know that I could come back to this university. Maybe if there is a job opening but it wouldn't be the same.

I've said before that my ideal situation would be a work-at-home type of job but Button would still probably go to a Mother's Day Out or something because I would still have to work and, frankly, I believe in children getting out of the house and into social situations pretty early on. I think it is good for them. Or I'd even take a part-time job but what kind of part time job would make me happy? I'm a librarian. I like being a librarian and finding a part-time librarian is fairly nonexistent in our area. I would like to be able to get Bub every day from school and spend more time at home with Button and with him. But I don't think I'd want to do it all the time. I admire moms who stay at home and love it. Maybe you just get use to never having a break from your kid. Maybe other people's children aren't as needy as mine. Maybe they are just better, more patient mothers. I don't know. But I honestly don't think I would like it. Maybe that makes me a bad mom. If so, then so be it. I try to do my best for my kids but also for myself.

Kids at work

Bub came to work this morning. It's a nice perk I have here, that if your kids need to hang out for a little bit than no one really says anything. I have an office with a door so I can always close it if necessary but he is pretty good at work. Lately whenever he comes to work with me he plays on his Nintendo DS or on my Nook so it keeps him occupied. When he was younger he would color or write or I'd bring his little computer for him to play on. He's always been good at coming and hanging out quietly with me which is saying something for him.

I'm not the only one who brings her kids to work.  But the others tend to bring theirs more often. Two ladies get their kids from school and they come almost every afternoon. I've thought about doing that with him since his new school is closer but the school doesn't let out til 4 and I don't think I'd have enough time.

Bub shows up rarely. He came for a week in the mornings before a mural painting camp he did at the Childrens Museum this summer and he came today but it is a rare thing for him to be at work especially now that school has started. It's kind of nice having him around. I like having a little extra alone time with him that I don't get anymore now that my attention is so very often divided. Because for 5 years it was just us and he got so much attention and now he has to share. I don't think he minds but mother's guilt and all. Still I'm glad to have a few extra minutes here and there or even a few hours even if he is just drinking hot chocolate and playing in my office.

The Ideal Situation

A while back I left work at 2:00 to take care of Button so BT could go to work early. I picked up Bub after school and we did normal after school stuff.  Right now I usually only pick him up on Friday afternoons when I get off of work. But this was a Tuesday and it was nice. I realized then what my ideal situation would be. I like picking Bub up from school and having more time in the afternoon/evening to take care of things. As it is right now everything is so rushed from getting dinner on the table to doing homework to having baths and story times and getting them both to bed at a decent time. Granted these things will be easier once BT gets a daytime job and is home at night to help. But even then I think my ideal would be to work from about 9:30 to 1:30 but earlier if necessary. Button could go to a Mother's Day out program at a nearby church. I'd have plenty of time to go get her and then to pick him up later. And we could spend time together at a more relaxed pace. I could get out and do the work that I like and she would get social time with babies her age. So this would be the ideal.

The ideal ideal would be to have work at home job. Every now and then I look at jobs that are library related and allow telecommuting. I just haven't found one that would be right for me. In that situation Button would still go to a Mother's Day out program so I could work and she could get out. I would love that so much. I don't know if I will ever get to do either of these things. It would be great though.
 

The line in the sand

Today my co-worker made a thoughtless comment today about how her husband didn't want to sit next to my son at a football game. And I have to say it made me mad and it hurt my feelings. It wasn't that he didn't want to sit next to Bub. That is fine. But she said she sat between them to be the "buffer" and that is where I got mad. Not everyone has to like my kid. I get that he can be a lot. He is an endless talker and extremely energetic. I get tired of it sometimes myself. It's that she apparently felt like she had to protect her grown-up husband from the kid. Just whatever. Honestly if you are going to say negative things about my child, maybe not do it in front of his mother. I basically just shut down on her at that point and that was the end of that. Because my line in the sand will always always be my children. You don't have to like them, just kept your opinions to yourself.

A little bit

We are down to one car. BT's has finally given up so we've been sharing mine, but the store he is working at now opened today so he is going to have to do at least one night shift a week and that could get awkward. Luckily I have the best parents in the world and my dad doesn't work too far away so he went and got BT today and brought him to work. I hate imposing on my dad during work hours (not that he can't get away or anything) but still.

BT had an phone interview with a large coffee company on Monday and will be having a face-to-face soon. It should pay more money which is good since this current job pays significantly less than his last one. And we cannot afford that. Also now we have to buy him a car. At least mine will be paid off next month, thank God for small favors.