The second time around

Bub has been away for 11 days visiting BT's parents and playing with his older cousin (8). I reached my limit on him being gone on day 9 but I get him back tonight so we made it through. His cousin left but BT's younger sister came with her 1 year old daughter so he still got to spend time with them. My SiL said something on Twitter yesterday to the effect of after spending the day with him and her own daughter she knows she could not handle 2 kids right now. And I chuckled because it reminded me of back before I had Button and how I felt when I got pregnant with her.

It was always agreed that we would have two kids, always. We had Bub and he is a pretty awesome kid but a handful with all his energy and talking and the constantness of just him. But still I knew I wanted another one for multiple reasons but a big one was so that he would never be alone and he would have a sibling to relate to. So after he was potty trained and we enjoyed that for a while, it was decided it was time. The thing about having a second kid is you know exactly what you are looking forward, the highs and the lows and I always said that when I forgot just how bone-crushingly exhausted I was then we could have another baby. I don't know if you ever entirely forget that but the memory wears thin enough. But still after I found out I was pregnant again I had a few moments of pure panic. What if this ruined everything? I mean we had a good thing going just the three of us. We were a happy little family and you just never know who you are going to get or what is going to happen. Luckily it all turned out wonderfully but I did a lot of praying.

Thinking about all of this reminded me of a mommy blogger who I follow who, when she brought home her 2nd child, remarked that it was all going smoothly and that having 2 wasn't going to be so hard. And then I laughed because I was that person too. The first days of most newborns are sleepy. They sleep a lot. (Bub didn't but that's a different story.) Button was a sleeper for about 2 weeks and in those two weeks I thought, this isn't too bad. He's five so he's old enough to do things for himself and to get things I might need. And then she woke up and started paying attention to the world and the dynamic shifted. The hardest thing was the lack of time for my son. For 5 years he was the only one we had and so we got to focus on him for so long that I had overwhelming guilt when I could no longer just do what he wanted to do. Yes, there are lessons in there for patience and waiting your turn and not being selfish or needy or clingy. But still he went from Mom whenever he wanted to Wait till I'm done with the baby. Luckily he is an easy enough child that he wasn't overly phased. I had to work to let go of the way we were and get to use to the idea of the way we are. That I can't provide the same mommying that I could before. The worst thing was that he was cooped up in the house for quite a bit of time during my maternity leave but my mom and my sister did their best to entertain him and pay attention to him. So we were lucky in that way. It also helped that he took to the idea of being a big brother and loves her so much. They entertain each other and so he is a big helper for me.

Every change can be hard and I still couldn't say for certain which was a bigger change for us, becoming first time parents or having a second child. Becoming first time parents was definitely the harder change on us as a couple but adding another kid to the mix was, while not the most difficult, made a huge impact on our family dynamic. It lead to BT working nights so he could care for her so that lead to me caring for two kids alone almost every night with one starting school (and that was incredibly hard (also a different story)) and us hardly ever seeing each other for 2 years. But we made it through and now our dynamic is settling down into something more comfortable for everyone and both kids get to see both parents everyday.

I will say I'm happy that we waited till he was older*. I'm not sure how I would have handled two babies or a newborn and a toddler. That, to me, seems like it would be the hardest thing of all.


*I have more to say on spacing but this thing has gotten super long so I'll save it.

Qualifications

I've decided to quit qualifying what I say. It's sort of instinctual, something girls are taught mostly. As a reference librarian, I find most of the time when I hear "can I ask a stupid question" it's from a girl. The other morning I read something on a blog about confidence and girls and then I was commenting on a Facebook post about motherhood and I realized that I wanted to qualify my statements with "of course I love my kids." That's when I realized I don't want to do that anymore. I was chosen by the associate dean as a representative of my rank to help with a project. My first instinct was to think that she had made a mistake and then to say "well I don't know why she chose me." But the truth is I know why she chose me. Out of the all the instructors I tend to be less emotional, more rationale, and pretty level-headed. So I can definitely see why I was chosen. All of these things together made me realize how much I qualify my statements or opinions.

"Of course I love my kids," "maybe it's just me," "I have a maybe dumb question"

Anyone who knows me knows I love my kids and I shouldn't feel like I have to end any statement, even one in which I am complaining about them, with how much I love them. I see that on blogs all the time. Moms complain or talk about how hard mothering can be, and it is, but then always end the post with something sappy about how much they love them (I'm guilty of this as well). I rarely see daddy blogs do this. Kids are hard work and it's not a bad thing to feel overwhelmed with them. We get overwhelmed with paid work and most people will complain about it from time to time. And last I checked more money went out of my wallet than in because I have children.

It's funny because after I made this decision I was writing up a presentation proposal with a co-worker and she asked my opinion on something. I started to say "No offense but" then I stopped myself. I explained to her how I am not qualifying my statements anymore and then said "So I guess what I mean is I don't care if I offend you?" She laughed but said it was a good goal. The thing is if I want my kids to model good and confident behavior I need to start exhibiting it. And this is just one way I want them to see that their opinions matter, no qualifications necessary.

Where you were

There are some questions that define the lives of a generation. JFK's assassination is one for my parent's generation. 9/11 is one for both theirs and mine. And the question is always where were you?

I was living in Baton Rouge at the time. I hadn't started graduate school yet and I was working at the mall both at a shoe store and doing seasonal work for the San Fransisco Music Box Company. Actually that day we were unpacking and setting up the store so I had to be at the mall early. I remember driving to work and the DJ of my favorite morning show talking about the Pentagon. It didn't occur to me that something serious was going on. It seemed like unconfirmed rumor. I didn't understand what was happening. But by the time I got to work it was pretty apparent what had happened. The district manager for the company kept saying if the president goes to Colorado then war has started. No one really knew what was happening at that point. Sometime during the morning I thought to call BT to see where his dad was. He does a lot of flying. BT was sleeping and had no idea what was happening. But his dad was home, I think. We listened to the radio as we worked and virtually no one was at the mall that day. When we were done, we went home and I finally saw the video of the Tower falling. And I cried. It was just so very unbelievable. All of this loss and devastation. People who were just living their lives, going to work, doing the same things they did everyday, just ... gone. So much. It was too much. It's always too much when something like this happens.

So I don't have a dramatic story to tell. It's a small story but it is the answer to the question. The question to which everyone has an answer. There are moments that stick with you forever. This day is one of those.

Random Thoughts: Time Machine

Now I don't know where this thought came from or if it was inspired by the fact that Button has not been sleeping good, running fever, etc. I think her new teeth are bothering her. She is cutting about 5 now. Thank goodness one of them pushed through already. Bub was not this ambitious with his teeth. Anyway, I was getting dressed this morning and I thought what if one of my kids invented the time machine in the future and has come back at some point and spied on me? Which is just so random. I hope they aren't disappointed with my everyday life. I wonder if I would recognize them. So far look exactly like us and I would think (hope) I'd recognize the spitting image of myself.

Y'all or you guys?

 A couple of people tweeted links to this article 22 Maps That Show How Americans Speak English Totally Differently From Each Other. I found this endlessly fascinating and spent some time looking at the survey page that contains all the maps. It reminds me of the show "How the States got Their Shapes." It's interesting to learn about the small differences between regions. It's interesting to me for many reasons. But the main one is how I pronounce words or the phrases I use. Do I sound more like an Oklahoman where my parents are from or like a Louisianan where I am from or do I have some of my husband's Massachusetts pronunciations? Judging from these maps it is mostly like other Louisianans. But there are a few words or phrases where I sound more like my parents or like my husband. My pronunciation of "aunt" changes depending on whether I am referring to one of my own (ant) or one of his (ahnt). The same goes for ottoman though that is not one of the survey questions. I had never heard of the word "hassock" until a few year ago. It's funny because even though he has lived down here longer than he lived up there he still pronounces a few words like a Northerner. I think it is all about how you originally learn to speak. Because I can't remember him even saying y'all and I don't know how to say anything else (well that is not strictly true because sometime I throw out a "you guys" like they do in Oklahoma). It makes me wonder how our kids will pronounce words. I assume that they, like me, will do regional pronunciations. I do wonder though about the difference between Mary/merry/marry. He is going to have to explain that one to me.

On community parenting boards

Both times I was pregnant I got really into BabyCenter. I love their email updates and it was nice to find the birthing board. With Button, I added the Bump but didn't read it quite as much. While I am not much of commenter I liked reading people's opinions of having to X or Y. Sometimes people give well thought out and researched opinions on say circumcising or breastfeeding, sometimes not. I find as the internet becomes more "open" it's mostly not. I'm trying to learn not to read the comments on news articles. People get stupid in the comments. Most of the time anytime I read a parenting article especially on a polarizing topic I try not to read the comments. People are vicious

Knowing this I decided to visit a birth club board anyway. I haven't been on a birth club board on either site since Button was born. I saw a lot of OMG I can't believe they are 1! posts and then things started to take a turn. Because I managed to find the car seat thread and it got ugly fast on there. Women accusing other women of not caring about their baby's safety for wanting to turn the car seat around at 2. Women claiming they will keep their 4 year rear facing. Apparently you can't just agree to disagree. First you have to accuse the other of not loving their child. It's weird and I was reminded why I don't visit these sites anymore. Motherhood is a passionate state of being. I get that. I'd sacrifice just about anyone for my kids (sorry). But why would I care if you don't like that my less than 40 pound child is forward facing? Seriously. While you may care so so much about this topic, getting vicious and saying pretty horrible things over car seats is not going to change anyone's mind. Maybe there is a better outlet for your emotional state or a better topic worthy of such maliciousness; people who harm small children or animals for example.

But maybe it might be better to keep in my mind that most parents are doing the best they can. It's a struggle for everyone and we all want to make the right choice. But my right choice and your right choice might be different. And because we have different lives and different children and different circumstances, I would venture to say that doing what's right for one person is not right for another. So if someone disagrees with you over some parenting issues, deal with it and know that everyone really is trying. And it might be better to stay off the parenting boards. I know I am.

Look for the good

Yesterday everything was going along fine. And then came the news about Boston. After I did an initial search to see what happened, I shut it down. I just couldn't anymore. After Sandy Hook I cried for a month. The thought that someone can look at the face of a 6 year old and shoot him just ended me. The thought that someone can look at the face of anyone and kill them is beyond me. And the mass devastation at a big deal race like the Boston Marathon, well, I was just done for the day. So when Maureen Johnson said this on Twitter I took it as validation to step away from the news and do something positive.

I went home and I played with my kids. Well, I made supper and got Button to nap and then we ate. She had a bath and then Bub and I played two rounds of a board game before their bedtime. It was basically a typical night but I needed to look at his sweet face and all the innocence in it. I needed him to cheat at Trouble and try to get out of bedtime. I needed him to be 6 years old and not know the horrible ways the world can be wrong. Because looking at him reminds me of how beautiful the world can be and looking at him I know how much good there is in the world too. Sometimes that is hard to remember.

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers--so many caring people in this world." - Mister Fred Rogers

Remember to forget

Sometimes I write the greatest posts in my head when I'm feeding my daughter or taking a shower or driving or doing anything really that doesn't allow me to have access to a phone or other recording device. Sometimes I can remember what I wanted to say and sometimes I can't. I don't know what is going on with my memory lately but I forgot my address the other day so either I'm completely losing it or it's just baby brain. Probably the latter because I think I got like this after Bub. I was just recovering when Button was born. My head is too crowded trying to remember stuff for 4 people. So I can't always remember the things I wanted to say. Anyone who says that pregnancy or baby brain isn't real doesn't know what they are talking about. Hopefully I can recover soon. Maybe within the year..

Thinking

I have a book blog and for almost 3 years have considered myself a book blogger.  But my enthusiasm has run out.  I still like reading and reviewing.  I'm just tired of all the challenges and the obligation to comment on others' blogs and all the things that go along with trying to have a successful blog that gets comments.  I'm thinking of just finishing out this year and all the books I have for review and then shutting it down.  But I really do still like reviewing.  The blog was originally intended as just a place for me to write down my thoughts about book I'm reading and then I got into the whole blog blogger community and all the challenges and I enjoyed making friends but I'm just in a different place personally now.  The reason I'm posting about this here is that I don't want to get all dramatic over there when I don't know if that is really what I'm going to be doing.  I think for now I'll just drop all my challenges that require me to read certain books and see how I go from there.  I also need to get through my review copy books.  I just don't want to come off like a former book blogger friend who went through about 10 ways of quitting before she finally did.  Her way just left a bad taste in my mouth.  I just want do reviews without it being a chore.

Things I Love Thursday

I thought I'd try my hand at Things I Love Thursday for a change.
This week I love
* having a three day work week and being off on Thursday and Friday
* having no reference shifts this week and hanging out in my office all day
* watching my son play tee ball.  4 years olds playing baseball is ridiculously cute.
* going to my in-laws for my sister-in-law's wedding shower and just hanging out for Easter

On naming blogs and other things

Sometimes I spend my time thinking of blog names which is funny since I had such a hard time deciding on a name for this blog.  It's been called Five x Five after one of my favorite Buffy characters,  Half Asleep in Plaid Pajamas after one of my favorite Tom Robbins books among other things that I can't remember now.  I honestly have no idea what I originally titled it.  Now Annie, I think seems like the perfect name as it encompasses a title of one of my favorite books (Alice, I Think) and also the fact that this blog is very often just a collection of my random thoughts and whims.  So cool, love it, mark it, fine.

I've acquired a Tumblr and had to go through the whole thing again, finally settling on Never Fully Dressed after my favorite Annie song.  (Yes, Virginia there is a pattern).  I feel good about this name.  And now I've thought of a couple of new names for blogs but I'm not about to start blogging in 5 different places.  Let's not get crazy.

But when I think of new names I wonder how many other people have thought of the same name.  So on Blogger I'll start putting in blog addresses that I would use for these names and seeing what I get.  Most often it turns out that, yes, someone else has thought of it too.  But most of these blogs haven't been updated or really used at all.  I see a lot of "My first blog post, more to come" and then nothing.  I wonder what happens to these people.  Do they get new blogs somewhere else?  Did they just not like blogging that one blog?  Are they lazy?  Do they just like thinking of names for things like me?  I'll never know.  But in the meantime, they are taking up perfectly good urls.  Hrmpf.

What would you do with a glimpse into the future?

For some reason, I was thinking today that if I had one opportunity to see a glimpse of the future what would I want to see? Cheesily, I would want to see if Bub's turns out alright and that he is a good and happy man in the future. In my heart of hearts, that is the thing that matters to me. I can't be the perfect mother and I'm not always patient or kind or even-tempered with him. But I try, I really do, and I don't want to speed up time. I want to hold my baby as much as possible and kiss him when I can and color and watch movies and read and talk about dinosaurs for as long as he wants me too. But I also want to know that I'm doing the right things and that he turns out alright and that nothing really bad happens to him from now until I have no control over his whereabouts. That is what I'd what to see.

What would you see?

I have a problem

If you regularly read this, then you've notice that I can't stop playing with the look of my blog. I have a problem, an addiction if you will. I can't seem to find a template or a background that I like for this blog. I've settled on something for my book blog that even though it isn't quite right, I'm keeping until I find something that is or I buy or make something. But it looks good and is very clear. This blog though I have been searching and searching but nothing is quite right so I keep changing it, but I just want to find something right, that fits. I wanted something plaid to go with the name, but I've find nothing that completely appeals to me. I like a 3 column blog with a clear header. I like plaid, I like pink, but nothing too busy. I could change the name of the blog, but it took me forever to settle on Half Asleep in Plaid Pajamas and I like that name since I am half asleep most of the time. I could eliminate the pj part and just call it Half Asleep but I don't know if that is better or worse. Or I could call it Annie Kawaii like my twitter name and that might be cute and free me up from the burden of plaid. And I could find something really cute and maybe leave it alone. Hmmm.... well if this blog suddenly changes its name and look (once again), here was fair warning.

ETA: So after I wrote this blog, I made a new background and header. Yes, I made it so I could have something I liked. We'll see how long this last, but I think it came out pretty good.

Okay Is it just me?

I'm reading The Stepsister Scheme by Jim C. Hines and I am enjoying it. The rumor mill had Miley Cyrus, Megan Fox, and Lindsay Lohan starring in the movie but that would be completely awful.

But I'm looking at the cover and this is what I keep noticing.

Does Snow White look exactly like Michelle Trachenburg or it is just me? I could get behind that casting in a heartbeat.